NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Andrew Dickens: How to get your teenage grunters to open up

By Andrew Dickens
NZ Herald·
27 Jul, 2014 05:00 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Photo / Thinkstock

Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

'Good. Yeah. Nah. Dunno. Good. Sorta. Nah. Yeah. Okay. Whatever. See ya."

Those, as anyone with kids will tell you, are the edited responses of a teenage son in a 20-minute conversation with his father.

The monosyllabic grunts drive parents nuts. But we can take it. Until things start to go haywire in the family unit. Then the parents start yelling, the kid grunts dry up and you're in the death spiral towards family disintegration.

That's when a family should reach out for help and support.

I've had a bit to do lately with people who can help when families go bad. Toughlove Auckland celebrated their 30th birthday on Friday with a function at which I was the MC.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Until I found out about them a few years ago, I thought they were the hardliners. The cruel-to-be-kind brigade. But they're not.

Toughlove is "a voluntary organisation that provides ongoing education and active support to families, empowering parents and young people to accept responsibility for their actions and stop destructive behaviours".

Basically it's all about communication. Helping parents take personal responsibility, to step away from their anger to communicate their expectations and their disappointments in a constructive way.

It was an uplifting night and resonated with me after a couple of stories over the past month.

One was the radio comments of Kevin Donnelly, the head of the Abbott Government's national curriculum review, who backed the use of corporal punishment for ill-disciplined children in schools if it is supported by the local school community.

Discover more

Lifestyle

Busting the bed-time myths

22 Jul 05:00 PM
Opinion

Andrew Dickens: Middle NZ yawns as visionless politicians bicker

07 Sep 05:00 PM

That was seized on by the talkback crowd who say "bring back the cane, it never did me any harm".

I was at a school that used the cane and it was always wielded by the worst teachers. The ones who could only command respect under a threat of violence and couldn't teach for nuts.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Toughlove oppose the use of violence in the home: "People usually resort to physical punishment when they are too weak and insecure to think of better ways of dealing with unacceptable behaviour. Kids need loving parents who are prepared to discuss and put in place appropriate consequences for unacceptable behaviour."

The other story was Lucan, the boy suspended over a stoush about his hair length. The judge said even if the hair rule was written lawfully you can't suspend a kid for such a trivial offence. He also criticised the school for not negotiating with Lucan and his family enough.

I compared the case with what Toughlove says about kicking a bad kid out of home if they don't behave. They see it as a sign the parent can't cope.

"We owe it to our kids to demonstrate love and respect. If we can't give it then we shouldn't expect them to give it to us!"

Makes sense to me. The school had a rule but not a reasonable and respectful consequence. They could have banned him from the 1st XV and put him on rubbish duty for a year and kept out of the headlines.

You've got to have rules and you've got to have consequences but they have to be reasonable and they can't be a yelling match in the heat of the moment.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Toughlove doesn't mean being a tough bastard.

Anyway, the other day my grunting older son and I were walking to the car after a day in the mountains. We were exhausted but then the most wonderful thing happened.

He started talking about stuff and just didn't shut up. I learned more about where he was at in that precious moment than I had every other time when we'd called a family conference to bring things to a head.

And as he told me about his challenges and his thoughts and his feelings I replied with, "Good. Yeah. Nah. Dunno. Good. Sorta. Nah. Yeah. Okay."

I guess we all have a time to talk and we all have a time to listen and adults are just former grunters who grew up. So let's cut the grunters a little slack. But not too much.

Andrew Dickens is the host of Sunday Cafe, Sunday morning from 9 on Newstalk ZB.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Save

    Share this article

Latest from New Zealand

live
New Zealand

Storm leaves 13,000 without power in Tasman

11 Jul 08:18 AM
New Zealand|crime

'S*** happens': Injured motorcyclist's gracious response to being hit by car

11 Jul 08:00 AM
Politics

Peeni Henare likely favourite to stand for Labour in Tāmaki Makaurau byelection

11 Jul 07:20 AM

From early mornings to easy living

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from New Zealand

Storm leaves 13,000 without power in Tasman
live

Storm leaves 13,000 without power in Tasman

11 Jul 08:18 AM

High winds are ramping up.

'S*** happens': Injured motorcyclist's gracious response to being hit by car

'S*** happens': Injured motorcyclist's gracious response to being hit by car

11 Jul 08:00 AM
Peeni Henare likely favourite to stand for Labour in Tāmaki Makaurau byelection

Peeni Henare likely favourite to stand for Labour in Tāmaki Makaurau byelection

11 Jul 07:20 AM
Watch: 'My raging backyard river' - North Shore homeowner fears stormwater torrent

Watch: 'My raging backyard river' - North Shore homeowner fears stormwater torrent

11 Jul 06:00 AM
Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP