My story: state abuse victim speaks out

We need other New Zealanders to know what happened to us. Photo / 123RF

A few months ago some guys who were abused when they were kids held in government institutions went to the media and shared their horrific childhoods with the world.

To me they are the bravest guys ever and each deserve their own Victoria Cross.

I say this because like them I spent a lot of my childhood in foster care and homes where I was abused.

But unlike them I know I will never be brave enough to go public about what happened to me.

I'm not your typical survivor of historical state abuse in fact on Thursday I intend to go down to parliament when the petition is presented to the politicians but if you saw me you'd think I was just another office worker. Which I am anyway.

My childhood memories aren't good ones. I don't really want to go into it. But they're not the kind of things you ever want to talk about.

Sometimes when people find out I spent my childhood as a state ward they say things like, "Wow. I'd never of guessed. You've done so well."

And I think. Wow. Of course you would never of guessed. Telling you how I was abused as a small boy by the people who were paid to care for me isn't the kind of thing I'd ever chat to you about when we're at morning tea.

How could I ever tell you about what it feels like to be 7 and think that no one loved me and it was all my fault. I know it's not my fault but I'm still very ashamed that those things happened to me.

Even though - I know - I shouldn't be the one holding the shame.

Unlike those guys who were on TV and in the paper, I'm not brave enough to tell everybody about what they did to me.

As soon as I could get out of Social Welfare I did and I've never been back. And I never looked back.

I'd rather starve than go on a benefit and have to go back to social welfare. I'm ex army and have done OK for myself.

That was until I had kids. I wanted to be a great parent but I was so terrified I was going to be the worst parent.

I realised I didn't know how to be a good Dad. And so that's when I went for help, my counsellor probably shouldn't have but after our first session when I opened my eyes and turned to look at her I could tell she'd been crying.

She was horrified. But man it felt good to get all that out of me.

What happened to me happened to hundreds, probably thousands of us kids who were state wards as well as adults in mental health institutions.

Yesterday I saw a story of a lady who was shut away and abused in mental hospitals most of her life and she didn't even have an illness: so many people have worse stories than mine.

We need other New Zealanders to know what happened to us. We need the Government to make sure that it never, ever will be allowed to happen again.

I was trying to work out what to say the other night and I found a quote that seems to sum up why an inquiry and an apology is so important.

How a society treats its most vulnerable is always the measure of its humanity.

It's been more than 40 years since I was a scared little boy and I'm not scared anymore.

I am hopeful that other New Zealanders will believe us.

Please don't feel sorry for us: please support us.

Thank you.