“I was pleased to hear… it was a genuine problem, it wasn’t just my imagination, and it wasn’t just me,” says Carol Hudson, recalling the moment she learnt her teenaged adopted son, Gary, had fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD).
The Tauranga retiree felt an immense sense of relief when she received the diagnosis.
She said she had known from the moment she adopted the 3-month-old that something was not quite right.
He was not like her other adopted child, whom she had taken in four years earlier.
Baby Gary was restless, and as he grew older, he became violent and displayed “abnormal” behaviours.
Now 44, he lives on the streets of Auckland. Hudson prays he will return home someday so she can take care of him.
“He’s a survivor,” she said.
She has shared the story of her experience raising Gary with his permission, so others can better understand FASD and its implications for the affected child and their family.
Te Whatu Ora Health NZ describes FASD as a neurodevelopmental disorder caused by exposure to alcohol before birth. In some cases, it can happen before a mother knows she is pregnant.
It can cause lifelong behavioural, learning and intellectual problems. Impairment varies based on how much alcohol was consumed and during what stages of development.
International data suggests about 1800-3000 babies may be born with the disorder each year in New Zealand.
Gary was diagnosed with FASD at age 16.
When Hudson learned of the diagnosis, she burst into tears. For her, it was confirmation his behaviour was not a result of her parenting.
“You hear of kids who are traumatised by their parents, and it affects them for the rest of their lives.”
She had wracked her brains trying to understand what drove his behaviour.
“I just despaired at times and my husband couldn’t handle it either.”
She said when Gary was a child, “consequences didn’t matter to him at all”.
The family had a chip heater, similar to a fireplace that heated water. The ashes from the heater would fall into a tray.
“I went into the kitchen one day, and he was putting his hand underneath to catch these ashes, which were red hot.”
Hudson worried about what was wrong with him and why it did not hurt him.
Her husband was in the Royal New Zealand Air Force, and the family frequently moved between military bases.
While living in Singapore, their house had bamboo scaffolding erected for painters. While the workers were not on-site, Gary climbed the poles.
“He fell on his head on the concrete,” she said.
Hudson rushed him to hospital, where doctors checked him over and confirmed nothing was wrong.
She was confused by the incident, as Gary did not cry or seem distressed after his fall.
“He didn’t even get a headache,” she said.
During school, Gary was bullied constantly.
“They were horrible to him.”
Hudson arranged for Gary to join a special class during intermediate, where he was placed with children who had intellectual and physical disabilities.
“He was doing really well, but the other kids at school were saying, ‘Why is he in a special class? There’s nothing wrong with him.’”
Gary differed from the “normal” children and those in the special class, she said.
“He didn’t fit in either. That was so hard for him.”
As Gary got older, he had several run-ins with the police between 16 and 17.
One incident landed him in youth jail for 18 months.
She said his condition meant he was easily manipulated and struggled with peer pressure from his “so-called mates”.
When Gary was 18, Hudson and her husband split, unable to handle the strain this challenge had put on their relationship.
Gary found his birth mother later in life but she did not want anything to do with him, Hudson said.
Hudson is on a mission to try to prevent more babies from being affected by alcohol.
She spoke out about her experience to support a push to have FASD warnings in liquor shops.
Tauranga man Christopher Ingram started a petition calling for the stores to present a sign on their doors warning pregnant women and their families of the effects of alcohol.
This petition was taken to Parliament by Bay of Plenty MP Tom Rutherford before being read out and passed on to select committee.
“I’ll be glad when I see all those signs up in all the alcohol shops,” Hudson said.
“I’m going to make it my mission to make sure that if they haven’t got it up there, I’m going to tell them off.”