The first option will likely lead to you internalising the anger, fear and paranoia of the misanthropes who post on such platforms; the second option will likely lead to you increasing the mental well-being of both parties.
Of course, sending nice messages isn’t a revolutionary idea; people have been saying positive things to each other and feeling good forever. The only difference is now we can do it instantly to anyone.
Last week I sent this direct message to my favourite podcaster. “Hey, mate. Just wanted to say you’re on a whole new level this year. It’s inspirational watching your hard work pay off. Have a good one.” Moments later, I received an email from my son’s school with a link to his first-term results.
They were excellent so I texted, “Son I am so proud. You knuckled down, did what you had to do and look at these results. So impressed. Love you, my son!” Seconds after that a workmate emailed me, outlining a promo she had put together, and I replied, “You are so good at this stuff, you constantly kick goals. You work so hard. You are awesome.”
This trifecta of positivity completely washed away the angst from my previous hour, embroiled in online rants with the craziest people in the country. Turns out, directing meaningful words at other humans creates a cheap and easy high for the sender.
A 2005 study published in the US journal Motivation and Emotion backs up my experience. It found giving compliments improves mood, lowers stress and leads to greater feelings of social connection. Genuine compliments from the heart work like a drug. The genuine part is important.
If I texted my co-host from The Matt and Jerry Radio Show and told him he was doing a great job on his 7pm TV show, I would likely feel nothing. You have to mean what you say to get the hit.
Receiving praise also feels good. A 2011 study on social insensitivity in the Journal of Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that compliments activate the reward centres in our brains, resulting in increased happiness and motivation. The effects work best when the compliment is specific and sincere. Hardly a surprise. Although some people don’t know how to take a compliment.
The optimal response is “Thank you”. This shows that you appreciate the praise while acknowledging the effort the person took to give it. Deflecting or minimising the compliment comes across as dismissive and ungracious to the giver.
If someone says, “You are really good at that,” and you reply, “Nah, not really,” you’re telling the complimenter that they don’t know what they are talking about. Instead, simply look the person in the eye, smile and say, “Thanks.” Then you can both share that sweet compliment buzz together.
Unfortunately, we don’t always get the praise we deserve. You can work hard and do all the right things and receive nothing in return. That’s why complimenting others is a more reliable source of happiness.
You can find opportunities to praise everywhere. Over the weekend, I had a chat with my dad on the way to the airport. When I got home, It struck me how lucky I am to have such a clever top bloke of a father. So I texted him. “Really enjoyed our wide-ranging discussion in the car Dad. I guess I inherited my smarts from you. Love Matt.”
He will never read or reply to the message, but I still got that sweet compliment hit from sending it.
We have a world of communication in our pockets. Forget the online arguing and doom-scrolling. That won’t bring you the happiness you seek. Genuine one-on-one positive messages is the way. Why not treat yourself and send a compliment to the next person who deserves it? That person might be me. Go on, send me something nice. You deserve it.
