Matt Heath: New Zealand’s best hole

Harwoods Hole in the Canan Downs, Nelson. Photo / Nelson Tasman Tourism

Every year New Zealanders name a best pie, bird, sausage roll, cheese sandwich and person. Yet our holes go uncelebrated. Why? We are a nation of holes. They’re everywhere in your kitchen, your yard, your workplace, outdoors and on your person.

That’s why this week, the Matt and Jerry Show on Radio Hauraki filled the hole and awarded a very special Kiwi hole the title of New Zealand’s Best Hole.

Before we can celebrate a hole, we need to define what we mean by a hole. At a very basic level, a hole is a hollow place in a solid body or surface. A definition that would include biological holes. This isn’t that kind of award - unfortunately.

No animal, plant or human holes will be considered. Neither will holes with water in them. In the middle of the North Island 25,600 years ago, a volcanic eruption created a 59,000cu m hole. Ten years later, it was filled with water and no longer eligible for an award. Blowholes are permitted because they are only periodically full of water, which is great news for the Pancake Rocks at Dolomite Point near Punakaiki and Jack’s Blowhole in the Catlins.

Naturally formed over millions of years, caves are arguably the most Kiwi of holes. The Waitomo, Cathedral, Nettlebed, Te Ana-au and Honeycomb Hill caves are all wonders of the world.

While human holes, of which I have seven*, are not welcome, man-made holes are. One of my favourites is the Waterview Tunnel connecting Auckland’s State Highway 20 in the south at Mount Roskill to SH16 in the west at Point Chevalier. It’s a smooth, convenient thing of beauty. Big too. New Zealand’s longest road tunnel at 2400m. A $1.4 billion wonder of engineering with just one downside, the complete nerds at Auckland Transport have put an 80km/h speed limit in there. If you can drive in a straight line at 100km/h on a normal road, you can do it with a tunnel around you. What difference does it make, AT you psychotic speed chockers?

Other great human-made holes include the Kaimai Tunnel near Apata on the East Coast Main Trunk railway line to Tauranga. At 8.9km, it’s the longest rail tunnel in New Zealand. Everyone loves the Mount Victoria Tunnel on SH1 in Wellington, it is 623m long and haunted by the ghost of Phyllis Symons. She was murdered and buried at the site in 1930. Nowadays, if you don’t honk your horn, she’ll attack your car.

The Lyttelton road tunnel on SH74 under the Port Hills between Lyttelton and the Heathcote Valley in Christchurch is another excellent hole. It’s our second-longest road tunnel and number one in tiles, featuring 1.25 million of the sooty buggers.

A special mention has to go to the Homer Tunnel in Fiordland. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a cleaner hole.

Other excellent Kiwi holes include the fortifications at North Head. Tunnelling began in the 1870s when the nation was freaking out about the Russians invading. A series of historic holes that sport great views but often reek urine in the summer.

The Taiaroa Head, Lawyers Head and Forbury Head fortifications in Dunedin are also defensive holes that deserve a mention. However, their tiny little guns were never going to stop the Japanese.

From the commercial world, the Waihi Gold Mines is a good time if you can be bothered stopping. Then there are our aggregate suppliers. New Zealand has 1100 registered quarries. My favourite is Logan Point in Dunedin. Stonefields in southeast Auckland are ineligible as it has been filled with houses.

In the end, there can be only one, and after thousands of votes, hours of passionate debate and an unnecessary amount of sexual innuendo, a great Kiwi hole was honoured.

New Zealand’s inaugural best hole is ... Harwoods Hole! A spectacular cave system in Abel Tasman national park in the northwest of the South Island near the summit of Takaka Hill. At 183m, it is New Zealand’s deepest vertical shaft. The long rope descent is considered one of the most spectacular caving experiences in New Zealand. Harwoods Hole is truly a hole our whole country can be proud of.

*Two ears, two nostrils, a mouth, a urethra and the other one.