NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Kevin Page: I’m not the brightest dinner guest

Kevin Page
By Kevin Page
Columnist·Whanganui Chronicle·
14 Aug, 2023 05:00 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Everything seemed a lot brighter once Kevin Page realised. Photo / Getty Images

Everything seemed a lot brighter once Kevin Page realised. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION

I’d had a good day.

Got a fair bit done, mainly getting the Boomerang Child’s car a warrant, and had enjoyed a stroll and a coffee on a brisk but gloriously sunny day.

Later I’d been on Grandad duties for a while which involved singing nursery rhymes and coming up with obscure hand actions – think spiders climbing spouts and sunshine coming out and drying up rain, if you get my drift – before settling down to a good old family roast.

As expected of the Boomerang Child, the meal was hearty and featured an array of rich, healthy-looking consumables which, to my eye anyway, looked particularly dark in colour.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

I wasn’t surprised.

Not two hours previous I’d sat on the couch while Miss Two and a Half had a bath and Master 12 Weeks dozed, farted and smiled - in that order.

While enjoying the sights and sounds of this young family I’d thumbed my way through one of their greeny-centric lifestyle magazines and come across a piece extolling the benefits of leafy, deep green vegetables and rich meat with lots of iron etc.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

And just to be clear it’s the veges that are green, not the meat.

Anyway. There I was ploughing my way through the meal – which, I have to say, was as tasty as it was dark in colour – and the need to come up for breath arose.

Still chewing, I looked across at the kitchen and lounge and noticed even though all the lights were on the house was quite dim.

Naturally, I put two and two together and wondered if the cost of living coupled with their environmental leanings had led Boomerang Child and Builder Boy to reduce the wattage in their lightbulbs.

By that I mean dimmer lights last longer so you don’t spend as much dough on replacing them. Apparently. Also dimmer lights don’t attract as many moths, which means less will get tangled up in that cobweb under the back door porch you’ve been meaning to remove with the yard broom for ages.

You might want to have a grain of salt or two handy to aid in the digestion of those last two “facts”. Ahem.

I should perhaps explain at this point the Boomerang Child and Builder Boy are not crackpots. Far from it. They have some environmental and societal beliefs which we of an older generation might regard as “hippy” but are actually, when you break it down, kind of sensible and harmless.

Naturally, as a representative of the Old Fart generation, it is my job to take the mickey out of the pair of them relentlessly. I just hope they realise it is good-natured and not intended to cause offence.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

When I’m old(er) and grey(er) and they are looking after me in their self-sustainable, off-grid, bush paradise, miles from anywhere I don’t want them refusing my request for, er, a certain weed to alleviate the discomfort of my arthritis.

But I digress. Back to the light bulbs.

I came across the practice a few years back when I visited a house of a friend of a neighbour, to pick up something she’d bought online.

It was a nighttime call and the place was eerily dark save for a few almost pointless light bulbs hanging forlornly here and there.

The pickup was for one of those old porcelain jugs people collect. My instructions were to give it a cursory check and hand over the dough if it was okay.

In the semi-darkness, I had a look, paid the cash and scarpered. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

It was only later in the comparatively bright kitchen of my neighbour we discovered a fairly obvious crack in the base of the thing.

So, back at the daughter’s dinner table, I’ve got that tale in mind as I’m sitting there chewing and staring at the lights.

Eventually, my curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask.

Sensing the early stages of another lengthy political philosophy debate Mrs P tried to interject with a comment about what I nice sunny day it had been but Builder Boy, presumably up for another talkfest with his father-in-law, was having none of it.

No, he said, he hadn’t changed the lightbulbs to a lower wattage to save a few bob. And, he continued with a smile, while the idea did hold some appeal there was probably a simpler reason for things looking a lot darker to me.

I still had my sunglasses on.

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Latest from New Zealand

live
New Zealand

Up to 50 people evacuated from homes after wild weather, clean-up efforts begin

11 Jul 07:53 PM
New Zealand

'The public have a right to know': Judge denies man with cache of child abuse files anonymity

11 Jul 07:00 PM
New Zealand

Green light for fires on Napier beaches after council quietly revokes bylaw

11 Jul 06:00 PM

From early mornings to easy living

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from New Zealand

Up to 50 people evacuated from homes after wild weather, clean-up efforts begin
live

Up to 50 people evacuated from homes after wild weather, clean-up efforts begin

11 Jul 07:53 PM

The North Island is expected to get off to a wet start this morning, with lingering rain.

'The public have a right to know': Judge denies man with cache of child abuse files anonymity

'The public have a right to know': Judge denies man with cache of child abuse files anonymity

11 Jul 07:00 PM
Green light for fires on Napier beaches after council quietly revokes bylaw

Green light for fires on Napier beaches after council quietly revokes bylaw

11 Jul 06:00 PM
St John defends decision not to send ambulance to toddler who broke jaw in fall

St John defends decision not to send ambulance to toddler who broke jaw in fall

11 Jul 06:00 PM
Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky
sponsored

Solar bat monitors uncover secrets of Auckland’s night sky

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP