Kevin Childs: Oi, Oi, Oi, look out, here come the Aussie rugby faithful

Melbourne is a city obsessed with Aussie Rules. Photo / Getty Images

Opinion

Melbourne fans will descend on Aotearoa ready for fun and longing for glory, says Kevin Childs.

A Kiwi, a Welshman, two Aussies and two Irishmen walk into not one, but two, Rugby World Cup semifinals.*

And, whisper it not, they are all from Melbourne, where rugby sometimes seems more of a secret cult than a game.

In a city obsessed with Aussie rules, a sport so richly patronised and marketed that one team, Collingwood, turned over $94 million last season, and where the Murdoch media empire owns the ladder-leading Melbourne Storm rugby league side, rugby scarcely gets a look in.

Until now.

"I'm going," says Nick, a 25-year-old club second-rower who moonlights as a public servant.

For $313 each, he and his multinational group of mates booked into two semifinals.

Accommodation? I hear someone ask.

They will fly into Wellington, pack into a Kombi van and surprise a mate in Taupo.

Others, too, will be startled to find their floor space is to be occupied by six burly blokes.

Back home, they play for the Melbourne club, which competes at a sometimes-scary level with teams dominated by Pacific Islanders, whose idea of a contact sport varies from that of lads educated at Melbourne or even English private schools.

Melbourne's just evened things up a bit, however, by bringing in a Fijian who's scored 35 tries for his nation.

Off the field, there was a sub-plot for the New Zealand jaunt.

Why not, they thought, wear the kit of a non-qualifying nation, such as Uruguay, and see how far they can con their way into RWC hospitality, official engagements and maybe the odd media interview?

Alas, this jape will have to wait until the annual end-of-season trip to the Gold Coast (score from the last trip: one arrest, a Yank dressed as Captain America who chose to disrobe when armed only with a sex toy as a police patrol cruised past).

Apart from such fun, there is the matter of what will happen in the RWC.

Says Mick, "When you've got 30 Wallabies and a dingo, anything can happen," he reckons. "That 'Dingo' Deans might just be able to do it.

"Anyway," he adds, grasping his throat with a large hand, "we do know the biggest weakness of the All Blacks.

"Joking, mate, joking, not choking," he says, as the Kiwi lifts him by the scruff of the neck to peer into his eyes.

The Kiwi moves to buy another round and Mick delivers his verdict: "Have we got a chance? For the All Blacks not to choke, they'll need every able-bodied man in New Zealand ready to perform a synchronised Heimlich manoeuvre on October 23. Even with that collective effort they'll have so many broken ribs the Aussies will wish they brought the barbecue sauce." It will be an interesting trip.

* Wicked thought: imagine if none of their teams make it through? No, don't.

Kevin Childs is from New Zealand and lives in Melbourne. His home mortgage was increased to pay for his RWC final ticket.