Jim Hopkins: Gifts under the tree batteries aren't included

Photo / Chris Skelton

A ram has fallen head over hooves for a doe and the pair are now inseparable.Think of them as presents under the tree; random things, little bits and pieces that really have nothing in common except they're all meant to cheer you up. And, with luck, they will, although, as with any gift, you can never be sure. ["Oh! A hung Parliament," beamed John Key. "Just what I've always wanted!"]

But it's the thought that counts and with that in mind, here's hoping you enjoy this disparate bundle of joys, each quarried, like a nugget of gold, from the melancholy granite of today. So come, then, into the sitting room, to see what we will see. Waiting for us, all nicely wrapped, beneath the gleeful tree. ***

Alien visits: Three cheers for UMR Research, who've just completed a survey seeking to establish, among other things, how many of us believe that this, our most uneasy Earth "has been visited by UFOs from other planets". It turns out that 33 per cent of us believe such visits have occurred and that space aliens have, indeed, walked upon this green and pleasant land. Which is fantastic news, when you think about it. And, if you haven't, consider this. What that percentage demonstrates, beyond any doubt, is that we're not a bunch of daft, superstitious, credulous and gullible plonkers. Because, if 33 per cent of New Zealanders believe in space aliens and only 6.8 per cent believe in Winston Peters, then we're a helluva lot more rational than some are wont to suggest. Well done us! Take a bow, New Zealand.

Amphibacillus cooki sp. nov: Huh!?!? If this feisty little blighter (which loves being in hot water) had had a cup of tea with John Key, it would have been a front page sensation. Sadly, it didn't so amphibacillus cooki sp. nov has gone largely unnoticed. Which isn't too surprising, since you'll only find cooki boy in the salty waters of Utah's Great Salt Lake, where temperatures climb as high as 70 C. Even so, a c s n - discovered by top New Zealand microbiologist, Prof Greg Cook (hence its name) - has not only survived for the thick end of 3 billion years but continues, despite its age, to produce "virtually indestructible" spores.

"Some bacterial spores had been found which were 40 million years old and still capable of producing life" - unlike the Labour Party. Good on ya, Prof! Well spotted, that man.

Black Caps: More reliable than any weather forecast, they could very well be the most dependable organisation we've got. Whenever you hear the Black Caps declare they're "mentally ready, focussed, up for it" and "convinced they can win" you know a total collapse is guaranteed. Which means you don't have to watch and you won't lose your temper and that's good at Christmas! Perhaps the Black Caps need a dose of amphibacillus cooki too.

Charter Schools: Anything that gets the NZEI, the PPTA, assorted academics and the Principal's Association frothing at the mouth - not to mention National Radio newsreaders (who thoughtfully labelled them "American-style" to make sure we knew they were bad) - has got to be terrific! The only proviso is that Charter Schools won't work if the dreaded Ministry of Education gets its bony fingers on the planning. Remember, these are the people who spend $4 billion a year to run a system that can't teach 25 per cent of kids how to read, write or add. That's like a car company churning out vehicles, a quarter of which aren't fit to drive. Guaranteed to go out of business in the real world, you'd imagine. Let the Ministry control Charter Schools development and, quids in, they'll stuff it up, if only to conceal their own shortcomings.

Heli-hunting grounded: Staying with Coalition agreements for a moment, big thanks to Peter Dunne. Clearly, we're not as poor as we thought we were. If Pete can shoot down an industry that earns the cash-strapped Department of Conservation $200,000 a year - and the country millions of dollars - then we must be on the pig's back. Just don't take it out in a chopper, that's all. Whoopee! Well done, Mr Dunne. It's nice to know we still enjoy the luxury of choosing how to kill animals when we don't need to do so.

Deer Eye for the Sheep Guy: News just to hand. Apparently a ram in a Chinese wildlife park has fallen head over hooves for a doe and the pair are now inseparable. There you have it. Proof positive that love conquers wool and, whoever your heart chooses. you're better off with them than without. It's the perfect Christmas message!

*** Lyrics kindly supplied by the extinguished poet laureate, Sir Jam Hipkins (Honour pending), who is closed for renovations after a Justice Department inspection revealed he was dangerously unstable, shaky and, quite possibly, earthquake prone. It's intended to drain his basement, renovate his superstructure, reroute his plumbing and fit a mesh of reinforcing rods to prevent accidental movements and violent swings.