Jem Beedoo: No point frying over filched chips

The point is, fries are irresistible. They also give you an interior massage that no other decadent delight can. In other words, fast food slows you down.

The desirability of foods is determined by the readiness that your co-diners display in snatching what is yours. And they are never so unmannerly as when fries, or hot chips, are on your plate. Why? Because they are the most desirable of foods.

Rugby matches of unpardonable dullness are made endurable by cylindrical cartons of hot chips. They are of the worst quality, but there's something beautiful in the purity of their slimy foulness. That's why they're a mega-seller at the rugby. The punters buy fries by the punnet. They're cold, squashed, powdery and beautiful, fries and punters alike.

One's low-hygiene fingers claw away at the food, as do the fingers of your co-watcher. And there's a solidarity, as almost every other spectator is doing it.

At restaurants decent enough to serve carbs, men will order bowls of fries to supplement their pasta meals. The order always elicits looks of bemusement from waiter, mother, Italian friend and sister, but by goodness do they help themselves when the sensual fries are placed on the table. (I don't much like these hand-cut Agria chips, as the less-is-more restaurants who flog them serve only half a dozen in a large shot glass.)

The point is, fries are irresistible. They also give you an interior massage that no other decadent delight can. In other words, fast food slows you down.

Anyhow, fries are open slather in restaurants, so if you greedily want them all to yourself, forget about it.

In terms of value for money, Fishiddy Chip shops are the go. You can have yourself a feast of fat! For four dollars! These cheap as chips chips vary outrageously in quality from chippy to chippy but at least the fish heads are consistent. Unlike the big corporations who give a minuscule number of stringy chips, enough for a kid at a kindergarten.

The virtuous thing about the Fishiddy chip chips is their versatility. No one will begrudge you for slapping those greasies into a chip butty for optimal carbs. Someone will begrudge you putting your chips into a good bowl and chucking a couple of poached eggs on top. But do it anyway. Or you can drown your chips in tomato sauce, the old-fashioned way.

There's a school of thought that renounces the use of sauce or ketchup with fries, on the basis that it's ruinous. It never is. The sauce cools and enhances the taste of the chips, giving you the ultimate in sensualism. You don't hurt anyone doing it, except yourself. But that's why it beats love. Once you're done eating them, you are sated.