James Griffin: The way to go at a party

James Griffin. Photo / Dean Purcell

My lifetime of extensive research into the hurly-burly world of social interaction that we call "parties" has finally yielded a staggering conclusion. Well, when I say "extensive research" I mean that every now and then, when I'm at a party, I notice stuff and then I think about it, usually to the point of over-thinking it.

And, come to over-think of it, the conclusion isn't that "staggering" but is more something that I have noticed and which has intrigued me, that's all. And actually, when all is said and done, it's not even what you'd call a "conclusion", it's just a thing that I thought some people might find interesting. Anyway, after that possibly less-than-definitive introduction, what I have noticed is that when the party is one of those parties where people are meant to talk to one another and make social chit-chat (as opposed, to say, a dance party, where conversation is impossible), that the party-goers will fall into one of two basic conversational categories: the Go-ers and the Go-ees.

The Go-ers are more socially and conversationally active, in that they will seek out others to converse with at the party, and they will instigate the small talk that may blossom into a fully-fledged conversation. Go-ers are quite nomadic and are the ones who give the party a fluidity, as they flit from grouping to grouping, cluster to cluster, in search of social interaction. Most party-goers are Go-ers.

(NB: Go-ers should not be confused with goers - as in "oo er, she's a bit of a goer" - as this has less to do with one's conversational skills at the party but more about what might happen after the party. This is not to say that Go-ers cannot also be goers, but they are not necessarily the same thing.)

The Go-ees, meanwhile, are a much rarer and more radiant bunch than the Go-ers. Go-ees are those special people who attract conversation at a party - the small-talk comes to them and they have no need to seek it out. Go-ees are the people to whom the Go-ers naturally migrate in the expectation of conversational excellence.

In fact, the best way for the untrained eye to differentiate Go-ees from Go-ers at a party is to take into account the foot-miles covered at said party. While Go-ers work the room, in search of a good natter, Go-ees tend to be much more static, often remaining in one place (in the kitchen or over in the corner by the china cabinet, for example) for almost the entire duration of the party.

Generally Go-ees move only out of necessity - to go to the toilet, for example. True Go-ees will probably not even have to get their own drinks as there will always be a Go-er more than willing to bring the booze to them, in order to keep the conversational gold lubricated and flowing.

Go-ees are the royalty of any party. They have a certain X-factor about them that makes their dialogue desirable to other party-goers. Thus, another way of telling who is a Go-ee at the party is that they are always talking to (or listening to, because we all know listening is important) someone else or a gathering of someone elses gathered around them, like moths to their incandescence.

I am definitely a Go-er. I have tried to be a Go-ee by standing on my own, usually near the snack table, attempting to arrange my features so that I may look conversationally desirable. I then wait for a gaggle of Go-ers to come my way. But after you've done this for a few minutes and you're still on your own and people are looking at you like you're tragic and weird, you start to realise that a Go-er can never try to be a Go-ee because a Go-ee never tries, they just are.

In fact, it could very well be that when a Go-er attempts to be a Go-ee, they end up creating a third level of partygoer called the Go-away - as in "go away from this person and do not look back". Instead of being the brightest celestial being in the universe of tete-a-tete, the Go-away is the black hole where party banter goes to die. I really hope I'm not a Go-away, but I'm beginning to have nagging suspicions.

So, in actual conclusion, when I said that I had come to the staggering conclusion there were two sorts of party-goers, I was completely wrong. There are clearly at least three and, very probably, others I haven't thought of yet. Thus the best I can reliably say, is that research is ongoing. I'll be the one standing on my own, by the snack table, researching.