So here we are, on the Weekend of Weekends, the one that contains the Game of Games. Tomorrow, 22 proud New Zealanders wearing black will take to Eden Park in search of World Cup glory. Each of these finely tuned athletes will have his own way of preparing for the biggest match of their careers; his own patterns and rituals to follow during the day, so that when each hits the sacred Eden Park turf, he hits it at the peak of his powers. But what of us, the other four million members of this team of One Nation Under Rugby? Sure, we won't be actually on the pitch smashing French people and getting smashed in return, but we are still an integral part of the whole damn thing. So what we do on match day is also, in its own way, important - especially to us.
How are we meant to prepare for the biggest match of our non-sporting careers? For starters, we need to make sure the playing field is level or, if not level, then at least sturdy and - above all - comfortable. For many of us members of the team of four million, the couch is both our playing field and our playing equipment, so it must be checked and rechecked. Is it facing the television? This might seem blindingly obvious but the last thing you want, come kick-off time, is to realise everyone is facing the wrong way.
Nutrition and hydration are two very important aspects to consider in the build-up to the game. It is crucial to get the balance right between "not enough" and "too much". Not enough nutrition and hydration leads to grumpy players as, for many, eating and drinking before a match is not only a ritual but a driving biological need to store up the calories that will be burnt up during the game through stress, venting at the referee and jumping up from the couch, then having to sit back down again.
On the other hand, too much nutrition and - especially - hydration, can lead to serious downstream problems for the couch-based player. A gluttonous approach to the nutrition aspect of things can lead to all manner of gastro-intestinal issues during a match, or even an attack of SNS (Sudden Napping Syndrome) during the quieter passages of play.
But it is the question of too much hydration that is the Dan Carter groin for many of us. The possible end results of too much pre-match hydration range from missing the game altogether to missing large chunks of the game due to the couch-based player's equivalent of the blood-bin: the piss-stop. Over-hydration can also lead to Mexted Syndrome - the need to provide your own running commentary on the game, none of which makes very much sense to anyone else.
