James Griffin: How to make your vote count

Photo / APN

Election Day is here. This is our day, the day the people get to speak with one voice, the voice of the orange Sharpie (unless they have changed things up this year). For a few hours the power to shape the destiny of this nation is in our hands, before we hand it back to that mob in Wellington, so here are a few helpful tips to make sure your vote counts and that they actually count your vote.

No, you cannot vote online. Not yet, anyway. Yes, this means hauling yourself out of bed on a Saturday to walk/jog/skate/drive/shamble to your nearest voting place. As difficult as that may sound in theory, in practice it is worth it in the name of democracy - even if it is raining.

Enjoy the lull. The politics (dirty and otherwise) is done; the billboards have been defaced for the last time and have been taken down; and the candidates gagged for a few hours. Savour the silence, before it all starts up again this evening, on the television.

Have a good breakfast. This has nothing to do with politics; this is just common sense, good dietary practice.

Vote in the right place. You cannot vote at the same place you buy your Lotto ticket. These two things may feel very similar and one day they may in fact be the same
thing, but for now they are completely different.

Take your EasyVote Card with you. No, this does not mean that They will know who you voted for. Or does it?

The polling booth is for voting only. You step in, you choose your Party Vote, you choose your Electorate Vote; you step out. Nothing else. Do not, for instance, take a bucket of KFC in with you, to snack on as you decide, because leaving a greasy Sharpie for everyone who follows is: (a) not good manners; and (b) could lead to many votes being deemed invalid because the pen slipped in the hand. Other things that should not be done in a polling booth include: Morris dancing, karaoke, and attempting to join what some call the Mixed Member Proportional Club.

Do not draw on or deface the names of the people you choose not to vote for. Yes it might be satisfying to illustrate the other candidates with cartoon representations of the male genitalia, but all this will do is: (a) hold up proceedings while you focus on your artwork; and/or (b) potentially invalidate your vote on the grounds of indecency.

Be decisive. There are millions of registered voters in this country, all of whom have the right to make their voices heard. Standing in the polling booth is not the time nor place to phone a friend to have a prolonged discussion about the merits (or otherwise) of the MMP system. Two ticks is, literally, all the time it should take so there's plenty of time for everyone.

Do not vote for the candidate with the silliest name. This is not taking democracy seriously on the one day we all need to be very serious about democracy. If, however, you are voting seriously and the candidate you are voting for just happens to have a silly name, that is a bonus.

Do not vote for yourself. Crossing out all the names and voting for yourself in a fit of "I could do a better job than any of these clowns" way might feel like a good thing to do but it will render your vote invalid in the eyes of everyone else.

The obvious exception to this is if you are actually a candidate in which case go for your life, as you will probably need every vote you can get.

Place your completed voting form in the appropriate box with the minimum of fuss. Under no circumstances must you burst from the polling booth, rush up to the scrutineers table and wave your completed form in the faces of the scrutineers of the parties you didn't vote for while shouting "suck on that, losers!" before slam-dunking your form in the voting box. This is simply not the New Zealand way.

Vote only once. No matter how enjoyable the process of democracy feels at the time, it is a one-time-per-election experience. Do not go rushing back into the polling station, waving your EasyVote Card and shouting "That was amazing! Again, again!" Similarly, you cannot go back claiming you have changed your mind and demanding a do-over.

If you follow these easy-to-remember steps you will find democracy an enjoyable and spiritually fulfilling experience. And who knows, once all the votes have been counted, if the parties can't get their shit together to cobble together a government, we may get to do it all over again real soon. Yay!