James Griffin: Christmas: too cool to waste on kids

James Griffin. Photo / Dean Purcell

Christmas, they say, is for the children. Well, that sucks. Who made up that rule? Children, undoubtedly - crafty little buggers. I bet they put that rumour about just so they'd get all the best presents, while we adults are meant to make do with socks and crap, while taking joy from their happy, smiling faces as they unwrap all the cool, fun stuff.

Forget this, I say. It's time we adults stood up for our rights to also have cool presents at Christmas. And by "cool", I mean awesomely cool, not just a "no, it's very nice, I love it thank you" level of cool. I want the sort of cool stuff characters get to use on television shows - that's the level of cool I want to integrate into my Christmas 2010.

So, obviously, top of my Christmas present wish list is Dr Who's sonic screwdriver. Not a toy one, an actual one, please. Any device that you can wave at stuff and it makes a cool buzzing sound, then you look at it and somehow (it's never entire clear in Doctor Who) it tells you everything you need to know about everything - plus it can do really awesome stuff like open doors or weld them shut or start cars and save the universe. I definitely need one of those in my life. In fact I need two, so I can use the second one to find the first one when I inevitably forget where I left it.

I would also like device that made a sort of a humming/whirring sound as Dr "Bones" McCoy waved it over sick/dying/recently-deceased people in Star Trek, the cool gadget he'd then look at and it would tell him what the person was sick/dying/dead of.

I wish I could say I wanted this for the good of all humankind but it would be strictly for personal use, I'm afraid. I mean I'm not getting any younger and it would be good for this particular hypochondriac to know if this morning's new ache/pain is simply creeping old age or the sign of something more serious. And if I use it too much, by saving people like House does, then the batteries will run out sooner - and I bet they're dilthium crystal batteries, which would make them really hard to replace.

And can I have a cone of silence, like in Get Smart, please? True, to some extent, as a result of too many rock concerts, I already have one of these, but it would be nice to have a gadget in the pocket for those really boring meetings or when the kids are squabbling and a little peace and quiet is called for. Point, push a button, the cone drops over the unsuspecting targets, who carry on unawares while the rest of us relax in blissful silence. Oh yeah, really want one of those.

Oooh, and something that gets me from A to B without the need to use any form of transport - especially international air travel - would be a great stocking-stuffer. I'd say the Tardis, because it is cool but, like a European car, it is also notoriously unreliable. So I guess I'll have to add the transporter system from Star Trek to my wish list, even though I'm not entirely sure it is wise if, when I say "beam me up, honey", that my Beloved knows my exact co-ordinates are Old Trafford, watching Manchester United, instead of the Harrod's Food Hall picking something up for dinner, like I said I was going to on my way back from playing golf at St Andrews.

Which is not to say a car wouldn't also be an awesome Christmas gift - for when I didn't feel like beaming myself here, there and everywhere. Normally I'd go for the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard, but it has welded-shut doors and at my age climbing in through the windows is deeply undignified - not to mention very hard to get a Warrant of Fitness for in New Zealand. So I guess I'll have to make do with the Gran Torino from Starsky and Hutch. Park it in the driveway, Santa.

Oooh, oohh, and just to prove I'm not mired in 60s and 70s TV shows, how about the supercomputer intersect from Chuck? To have, like, Google in my head so that I could suddenly be able to dance a tango or do kung fu or get children's Christmas gifts out of their fiendishly complex boxes with those stupid plastic tie things ... That would all be cool - or as cool as having a super-computer implanted in your head can possibly be.

Christmas, they say, is for the children - but what if you're a child who never grew up?