Jackie's story: P has destroyed my life

Prior to P I had a beautiful family and a husband who loved me. I was married and had three children.

We lived in a lovely home out in the country and we were happy. We spent every weekend camping and surfing as a family.

My husband adored me and told me all the time that I was the most beautiful woman in the world. There was a voice in my head that first time I tried it telling me that I was choosing a dark road. I ignored it.

Now I live in a tiny apartment. My marriage fell apart. My husband recently told me I am the ugliest woman he has ever seen and refuses to speak to me. He spat in my face.

My children live with their father. I try to see them on alternate weekends but sometimes I just can't afford to have them.

I work as a prostitute from my apartment and if I have a quiet spell I have no money. My bills are always behind, my credit rating destroyed (I destroyed my husband's as well).

Presently I am hoping that I do not get evicted from my apartment before I have a chance to pay my rent this afternoon. I can't pay it until I see a client at noon.

I spent the first half of this year alone in this apartment crying and the only contact I had with other humans was when I saw clients. I have distanced myself from my real friends and my family because I am so ashamed of my life.

My only "friends" are drug dealers and other hookers. Most of them steal off me to pay for their own habits.

Last night I had enough money to pay the rent but I spent $200 on P. I risked my home for a small bag of the drug that will keep me going until this afternoon when I will need another.

I am 38 years old. I have lost everything that meant anything to me and now I worry every day about what I will do when I can no longer make a living selling myself.

Nobody wants an old hooker. That is my reality. What will I do when I am too old to make a decent living?

I have 15 Valiums and a bottle of wine and some days I just want to take them and go for a drive out to Karioitahi beach where my husband and I used to surf every night, take the pills, drink the wine, then go for a long swim.

Last week an acquaintance of mine was murdered by the Mongrel Mob over a few hundred dollars. I owe a dealer over two grand. I am scared. I want to move to a house with three bedrooms.

I want my children to have bedrooms at my home and try to get my life back on track but I'm scared of any landlord doing a credit check so I just search Trade Me ... writing down houses that I want to look at. I never do.

Last week I saw my husband driving towards me. My beloved cocker spaniel was hanging out the passenger window with his tongue hanging in the wind.

They drove straight past me and didn't stop. The man who once lectured me about the seriousness of getting married and how it was for life ... drove straight past me like he was a stranger. That is how P has affected my life. I no longer want to be here.