Within the family: When pride gets in the way

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

People get into conflict because they have differences. But they get into fights because they think they are not being listened to or taken seriously.

If you want to raise an issue with another person, and you do not want a fight, you need to ensure that by your approach you do not make them feel they have to defend themselves.

This is all very well, but if the issue is a shortcoming you see in their behaviour, it will be understandable that they will want to defend themselves.

You can reduce their need to do that by ensuring your discontent is expressed as a complaint rather than a criticism.

A complaint says something about how you see things, without attacking the other person.

So, for example, your friend passes on to a mutual friend something you had related in confidence. You decide to tackle it with your friend and say, "I really didn't like you telling X what I told you in confidence. I felt over-exposed, and if they were going to know, I'd rather they heard it from me."

In this statement, you do several things. You describe a particular action, very specifically. You talk about yourself and your needs. You do not use any judgmental words about their action. You explain the impact on you and/or others.

The worst you have to deal with is the discomfort of taking issue at all. There is no damage done to the other person.

A criticism, on the other hand, is destructive of the other. It seeks to correct by putting down.

You might have said instead, "You can never keep your big mouth closed, can you? It's the last time I tell you anything because you simply cannot be trusted. I've always thought you cared about no one but yourself, and now you've proved it!"

This statement leaves you out of it completely. It attacks the person, passing judgment on their whole personality from a single instance. It also uses sweeping generalisations ("always" and "never") and loaded, inflammatory words.

Finally, it commits you to a prejudiced view of them which leaves them with a grievance.

In the first, the other person is aware he or she has let you down in a particular instance, and no new grievance is created. The door is open for that person to apologise and restore the relationship.

In the second, the person has been deemed the lowest form of life, in an irrecoverable way. You have now done them an injury, and they have little hope of paying attention to your original trouble. They are more likely to counter-attack to even things up.

This is much trickier, because then pride gets in the way of either being the first to make a conciliatory move.

Sometimes I think that creating a good relationship is like planning a game of chess: you have to think ahead to where each move might lead you.

The difference is, a checkmate for one is a stalemate for all.