Within the family: Shouting match good way to clear the air

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

A while ago I was on holiday with friends when they got into a terrific argument over whether it was all right for him to wear earrings to a family funeral.

I watched in fascination as they laid out their rights - adamantly, with raised voices, stompings and moments of standoff.

I was amazed that, far from being a scary experience, it appeared to be intimate and safe.

I've watched others who, with much less volume, have skinned each other with their words and anger. What makes the difference?

It is not heat that we need to protect ourselves from in conflict. Heat is energetic. Many passionate fighters report feeling energised by a good screaming match.

It is attention to maintaining a sense of a basic security that makes the difference.

If you avoid a few basic traps, it could well be true that a good row will clear the air. Traps are things that seem like a good idea in the heat of the moment, but force the other person to become self-protective, cutting off the possibility of a negotiated solution.

Some of these are:

* Making threats you do not mean. Threatening to leave deeply undermines security. If you do mean to leave, choose another time. Don't use it as a weapon in another issue.

* Making threats at all. They are designed to make you feel more powerful, and they only make the other person feel they need to defend themselves more by saying cruel and untrue things.

* Saying true things in cruel ways: You're fat and lazy. No wonder you're unemployed!

* Physical violence or threats of violence. Apart from being against the law, it makes the other person afraid of you. Instead, you are better to give a moment's thought to establishing a climate of safety for discussing the difficult issue.

You could create the right climate by:

* Giving a warning that you wish to talk about a specific issue. This way the other person has a chance to think about it rather than being blasted with your carefully prepared arguments.

* Letting the other person know the proportion of the issue. Are we talking something really major, so that the whole relationship is at stake, or is it unimportant in the grand scheme of things but nevertheless important at this moment? Telling the other what you are happy with, as well as what you think, needs sorting out.

* Giving advance warning that you recognise the other person may see things differently, and letting that person know you intend to listen to his or her views.

Having open conflict does not need to be bad for children either. One British study showed that children who grew up in environments where conflict was constructive, and where they saw adults resolving their conflicts amicably, were better adjusted and achieved better than children who saw conflict destroying adult relationships or being suppressed. Difference enriches; cruel attack and counter-attack destroys.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, broadcaster and author.