Willy Trolove: Want a great status symbol? Get one built ... if you can

COMMENT

Forget the Ferrari. Chuck out the wide-screen TV. Throw away the jet-powered ride-on mower with the in-built cappuccino-maker. Fill in your swimming pool. Chop up your gazebo. Cancel your appointment with the plastic surgeon.

If you really want to flaunt your wealth, get a builder in.

Once upon a time, it was easy to get a builder in. All it took was a phone call and one would be around on Tuesday.

Now, builders are in such short supply it's hard to find one who's available before June 2012.

And it used to be that a builder cost about what you would expect to pay a fellow who knows how to swing a hammer.

Not any more. All those certifications and qualifications and shortages in the building industry mean that builders are starting to make lawyers look cheap, and that's as much excuse as the lawyers need to double their fees.

Oh yes. In days gone by, a builder's van parked in your driveway was a nuisance. Now, it's a status symbol.

So if you have found a builder and he has turned up and is doing something other than standing around poking the wall with a ruler and saying, "Well it's not going to be cheap, mate", rejoice. For your world is about to change.

Odd things will start to happen. Strangers will wander in off the street. The Mormons will tarry. The meter reader will dawdle. The postman will take half an hour to deliver your mail.

People that you met once at a Tupperware party in the early 80s will become your best friends. Your neighbours will pop by to borrow sugar.

Weird bearded folk in homemade clothes who claim to be related to you through your great-uncle Bert's clairvoyant fourth wife will call in to see how the alterations are going.

Friends will assume that you have secret contacts in the construction industry. They will ask you for advice about retaining walls, house repiling and how to get rid of dead bodies. They will grow murderously jealous and salivate over your builder while saying, "Where did you find him?" and "He must be soooo expensive" and "Could I borrow him for just a few days?"

Word will travel far. Pilgrims will come from across the land to witness the Miracle of the Builder. They will occupy your lawn and offer thanks to the Gods of Home Alteration. They will chant and pray for that promised day when they, too, might have a builder of their own.

You have to be prepared for all this. Remember, your builder is a status symbol. You must make every moment count.

Hire a trailer and spend your spare time driving back and forth to the home improvement depot. Fill the trailer with building materials that don't quite fit on to the trailer and bathroom fixtures that don't quite fit into the bathroom. Take them back to the depot to be exchanged. Several times.

Call around to see friends and block the street by jack-knifing the trailer hopelessly when you back into their driveway.

Don't hurry your builder. The more he mucks around, the better. Encourage him to walk back and forth to his van in search of a tool that he doesn't need. Offer him yet another cup of tea.

Hold on to your builder for as long as you can. Anyone can afford a builder for a week or two, but it takes real wealth to have one dribbling around the house for months on end. If necessary, slow him down. Change your mind halfway through the job and demand that your builder rip everything out and start all over again.

If all else fails, sabotage the work. Punch holes in the wall. Create water damage with a garden sprinkler in the ceiling space.

Do whatever it takes to keep your builder building, but don't forget that some people struggle with celebrity. Builders look good around the house but they may not handle the attention too well. Being a status symbol is a demanding job.

So if your builder cannot handle the pace, do not worry. If he moves on for a while, do not be concerned. And if he abandons you altogether - without a roof, without walls, or without a functioning bathroom - do not despair.

Your incomplete conservatory, your half-finished loft extension, and your gaping holes in the ceiling will be perfect reminders of that great and glorious time, when you had a builder in and were the envy of the neighbourhood.

* Garth George returns next Thursday.