That Guy: Transparency helps journos get the massage

Opinion

I respect the way Shane Jones has fronted up about some of the more "questionable" expenses on his ministerial credit card but, then again, you could ask: what real choice did he have?

The Herald on Sunday staff are about to experience a similar audit, so I have opted to come clean before the proverbial really hits the men's room extractor fan.

Obviously writing a weekly column isn't cheap, but clearly there are costs that can be justified and those that can't.

Most research expenses can be justified providing the work contributes to the story. But in writing circles this is a grey area as it can be argued that any action, experience or thought can result in stream of consciousness that leads to the inspiration behind the column you submit.

For example, an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe to watch the band Simple Minds perform their greatest hits including Waterfront is only two logical steps removed from doing an opinion piece on Auckland's controversial "waterfront" development.

It is not for the powers that be or the readers to judge how ideas actually come about.

However, with this in mind and in the interests of transparency, I am going to publicly address some of the expenses I racked up on the paper's company credit card over the last financial year.

The mini bar: $12,500

This may seem a little on the high side but in an effort to lessen my carbon footprint I upgraded my mini bar to a more energy-efficient maxi bar.

This new fridge wouldn't fit in the space provided at the New York Mandarin hotel so a carpenter needed to make adjustments to the furnishings surrounding the bar itself. The actual drinks bill over the last financial year was only $4500, and on the last trip to the States it was an old friend of mine who ate the cashews.

In-room movies: $6000

This was mainly due to accidentally pressing the same button numerous times and inadvertently ordering the same pornographic movie 16 times in the one night.

I was going to mention it to the attractive hotel staff member when I checked out, but it didn't really seem like the right time. I was afraid she might have thought I was a little sleazy.

And it is one thing to watch a pornographic film in your hotel room, but a totally different, and far costlier thing, to make one as I needed to do when researching last year's essay entitled Porn's Not Cheap.

Obviously I didn't actually feature in the movie but had to shell out for all the lights, cameras and extras needed to make the three part mini-series.

Colonic irrigation: $1200

Clearly my expose on the taboo world of colonic irrigation wouldn't have been possible had I not put myself through this expensive procedure. I needed to have two more sessions once the article had already gone to print as I was warned there could have been sudden and unwanted side effects if I didn't.

Air travel: $12,700

A number of top articles couldn't have been written had I not taken a plane. These include my controversial review of the Bigfoot conference in Ohio and, of course, my column entitled "The Mile High Club - is it all it's cracked up to be?"

Massage: $1200

Most journalists worth their salt will tell you a massage is often needed to help you wind down. My large massage bill is largely due to a comedy of errors. After a professional sports massage my masseuse asked whether I wanted "extras".

I was unaware as to where this was going until it was too late. When he turned the lights back up I was as shocked as he was and threatened to report him to the Massage Union of Nevada. I quickly realised that this would in all likelihood tarnish my reputation, and the paper's, so instead I opted to pay $1200 "hush money".

This is how a $200 massage can quickly turn into one costing over $1200.

Miscellaneous: $7000

These are difficult to account for, as they are those trivial but necessary day-to-day purchases that I neglected to keep receipts for. Items like glazed hams, soft cheeses, shoes, jetski hire and bribes are the sorts of things I would expect to be in this category.

I hope this has made things clearer, and I challenge other journalists at the Herald on Sunday to be just as transparent when the time comes.