KEY POINTS:
Once again I had some issues getting a column together this week, but for a change these problems, rather than being semi-alcohol related, were due to a radical restructuring of the office at home.
In a cost-saving initiative, I have opted to use ghostwriters based in the Philippines
rather than use the slightly more expensive ones based here in New Zealand.
It has been a steep learning curve for all concerned - the first column emailed back to me seemed to have no relevance to New Zealanders whatsoever. It made no mention of any New Zealand issues or personalities; in fact it hardly even mentioned me. In a nutshell, it failed to serve as the pulse of the nation as so many of my previous columns did.
But all this seems rather irrelevant when you throw in the fact it was also written in Filipino, by somebody who clearly has a relatively poor grasp of the Filipino language.
This considered, I was prepared to run with it but the editor refused to publish my column in a foreign language such as Filipino or, to use his words, in "any other Asian languages". Apparently it is a software problem but I will let you be the judge.
Anyway, in the meantime I have opted to write this week's column all by myself, and it has been made easier by the breaking news that has just come through on the fax machine.
One of my more reliable sources tells me that, next year, Auckland's Santa Parade is going to be held in Christchurch as they have put a better deal on the table for the organisers.
I am told that the parade itself will have the exact same format, consisting of a series of floats depicting questionable symbols of Christmas travelling down the main street in convoy fashion. The only difference being that it will be happening in Christchurch, not Auckland.
I attempted to speak to Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker about this exciting development but it always feels a bit weird talking to someone when you are both naked in a gymnasium changing room. Instead, later that day, I spoke to a spokesman for the new event, Bill Wavers.
"Of course, we are very excited about the Auckland Santa Parade moving down to Christchurch, and I think it will be just as successful, if not more successful here, as we probably have more Christmas spirit than Auckland. We can offset some of the costs with the Ellerslie Flower Show, which will take place down here a few weeks earlier," said Wavers.
The Auckland Santa Parade has become an iconic brand so the name won't be changed, just the location.
I asked Bill whether he thought this was robbing Aucklanders of a Christmas parade. "It will still be called the Auckland Santa Parade as that is part of the brand we paid for, and we fully encourage Auckland's float operators to drive their floats to Christchurch and partake here in the Garden City, the city of winners." Bill went on to tell me how Christchurch has more dwarves per head of population than Auckland but I stopped him before he could embarrass himself any further.
Auckland Santa parader Mark Robson, who owns and operates one of the floats with large chipmunks on it, says commuting to Christchurch is not a viable option: "We have already looked into the costs of driving a Christmas float to Christchurch and the Cook Strait ferry fees alone make it totally impractical."
A man who claimed to be spokesman for the Cook Strait ferry Arahura said that they had no plans to offer special rates for "large, cumbersome and crappy Christmas floats" anytime soon. "Santa Parade floats aren't good business."
This is probably true but where does this leave Auckland's Christmas paraders? Lloyd Nolan, who was one of many people responsible for organising this year's parade, thinks that Auckland may be able to organise a second Auckland Santa Parade, which can be held in Auckland.
"Obviously we won't be able to call it the Auckland Santa Parade as the Christchurch one will be called the Auckland Santa Parade, but I think there would be support for it."
Others are not so optimistic and feel that it would be at least two years before a replacement parade can be organised and by that time the concept would have lost valuable momentum.
So who is to blame for Auckland losing yet another event from its already sparse events calendar?
Nobody has actually said it yet but clearly the grinch, or rather the seven grinches who stole Christmas from the people of Auckland, is Auckland's multi-council system of local government, the same system that has allowed countless events move elsewhere in the past.
Nolan has the final word on this sad state of affairs: "It's just a little sad when certain people lose sight of what Christmas is all about."
And this from a man who in last weekend's Santa Parade danced on his dinosaur float with one of the nativity cheerleaders while dressed up as Bob the Builder.