That Guy: Share my home, and life, on World Cup holiday

John Minto. File photo / NZ Herald

Opinion

Last year I wrote a column about renting out my house during the Rugby World Cup.

My wife and I are still interested in doing this but we have fine-tuned the initial offer in an effort to make it more appealing to foreign rugby fans, who we call "investors".

So, where is the house?

Just to give you an indication of how close we are to Eden Park, it is a well-known fact that militant John Minto used it as his tactical command centre during the Springbok tour in 1981.

His bunker below the house is still very much just as he left it, complete with war room where the walls are covered with maps of Kingsland and Mt Eden bus and train timetables.

Some people even go as far as to say the flour bomb that felled Gary Knight in the third test was stored in our pantry.

Whenever I look in the pantry I think to myself how easily it could have been a bag of rolled oats, a packet of Uncle Ben's rice or a bag of spiral macaroni that became a part of history on that fateful day.

Curiously, since my last column we have received few legitimate inquires about renting our home and I will be the first to admit that I may have scared off many potential clients by suggesting we might be leaving one - or both - of the kids in the house.

This was merely an option and always up for negotiation. I now propose that the foreign renter should have full run of the house, with no rooms off-limits.

However, I am suggesting that myself and a select group of friends are able to watch the finals in my games room.

I have recently bought a new 21-inch, flat-screen TV and have talked up the visual experience to many of my friends so, as you can appreciate, I am in a slightly awkward position.

This shouldn't really affect you as I suspect if you are coming all that way to watch the Rugby World Cup there is a good chance that you will actually be going to the games.

But, if not, you are welcome to watch it with Tony, Dug, Muzza, Davo and myself. We would ask that you put in for your share of the keg.

Just some other minor points: There is a small "plantation" of wild herbs towards the rear of the section. You probably won't even notice them as they are fenced off and concealed with camouflage netting. I suggest you just avoid that area altogether but don't be concerned if you see Muzza or Davo poking around there.

Miscellaneous: If a large albino man driving an early model Nissan Sunny comes around claiming I owe him money, just say that you don't know me, or that I am overseas. Do not let him come in and start taking any furniture or appliances off the property.

I think it is reasonable that I am able to drop in occasionally to check on how you are going, swap shoes and pick up clean underwear. I obviously know the gate codes and have my own set of keys, so this shouldn't inconvenience you.

And, on that note, there is a slight to good chance that my wife and I will be going through a trial separation by the time the World Cup rolls around. I don't want this to have any bearing on your once-in-a-lifetime stay in New Zealand.

I just want to pre-warn you that either of us may be making occasional visits to the home to collect various items of value we feel we have a claim to or to change the locks. Rest assured that if the locks do get changed you will be given a full set of the "new" keys.

This is just the reality of renting a home which is in two names from people who "may" be going through a messy break-up. Far be it for me to bad-mouth her before you have even met her, but she does have the potential to exaggerate.

The old saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", but I don't really want that to be the catchphrase you end up taking home with you to the UK.

I don't want you to be used as a pawn during our break-up. I believe the mature thing to do is to keep both you and the children out of it. You shouldn't be made to choose between us.