That Guy: My autobiography - Lots of flashing, less reality

My magnum opus will be released just in time for the Boxing Day sales. Photo / Supplied

Opinion

Initially When Steve approached me about publishing my unauthorised autobiography, I was fairly reluctant. It would be an ambitious project, very time-consuming and emotional, and it would be a challenge finding a suitable writer.

Although I know many of New Zealand's top writers, I don't really respect any of them and, as I am quite attached to the subject matter, I would probably struggle to find one who could do the work justice.

After much soul-searching and research I decided that the best person to pen my unauthorised autobiography would probably be myself, with some help, of course, from Steve, as it was his idea in the first place.

He could research the parts that I can't remember.

I decided to keep it simple and focus on my life, which to be honest has been fairly action-packed to date. A real roller-coaster, you could say, filled with thrills and spills, and even a jail term in a French penal institution, much like the best-seller Papillon.

Steve may want to include some snippets from his life but these will be kept to a minimum as he has lived quite a tedious life in comparison and he is a terrible writer. The last thing I want to be doing is rewriting all his bits.

To tell any great story you need an efficient and tested structure.

I have opted to run with a basic chronological format, which works backwards from the present day, but also leaves me the option of having random flashbacks that can take me as far back as I want to go at any given point in time.

For the first time in New Zealand publishing I will also include a device I call the "flash forward" that can show aspects of my life that haven't happened yet, depending, of course, when the book gets published. If it spends a long time at the publisher these can easily be transformed into standard flashbacks, or present-tense narrative.

The flash forward device will be a little like what Nostradamus used to great effect more than 400 years ago. The trick is to keep them very vague to keep the reader guessing.

Specifically, I will focus on my life as one of the country's top columnists - certainly, the highest paid - but also touch on my life as one of TV's most under-rated but oversexed television personalities.

Having said this, please bear in mind that this won't be a cheap kiss-and-tell trash novel. We intend to sell it at the full retail price of $34.95.

Sex will be included only if it advances the story, and it will be dealt with tastefully, as will any supporting photos.

By and large, photos will be glossy and will probably follow the proven format of being collated somewhere in a middle section.

I may even leave some blank spaces so that people can include some of their own photos of me, if they have any.

If not, they can just add any old photos they like, or use the pages to make notes on as they go.

If you are any sort of female celebrity you will probably pop up in this book, but to protect your identities I will swap your names around with other celebrities.

For example, if it says I had sex in a spa pool with Miriama Smith, that probably means it was actually with Miriama Kamo, and Miriama Smith was actually part of a threesome in a Maui camper van, that may or may not have included Hilary Barry and gossip columnist Rachel Glucina. You get the idea.

If, on the other hand, you are not included, don't be offended - we need to leave space for the nuts-and-bolts aspects of my life and besides, if the "incident" occurred any time after the rough draft goes to the publisher there is not a lot we can do about it.

Put it this way: if we had sex after October 28 you probably won't be in it. (Use the note pages and write it up yourself.) There will probably be a sequel, so don't panic.

In the meantime, I welcome any humorous anecdotes you may have about me, or about anyone for that matter, as they can be easily adapted so that they are about me.

The important thing is to have a finished book that is interesting, successful and on the shelves in time for the Boxing Day sales.