Sideswipe

Ways Peter Jackson could ruin The Return of the King, according to satirical website BBspot:


11. At the end Gandalf seen stroking the ring in black robes saying, "My preciousss." Setting up Lord of the Rings: Part IV.

10. Legolas and Aragorn competing to see who can toss Gimli over the Cracks of Doom.

9. Immortals sailing off to the west to the tune of Styx's Come Sail Away.

8. Gollum swallowing ring - they have to wait a few days for it to come out.

7. Gandalf talks orcs into union labour strike against Sauron. There is no huge battle scene.

6. Citizens of Gondor overthrow Aragorn's monarchy and install a representative democracy.

5. Side plot involving disgruntled rock bands whose Monsters of Pelennor concert gets interrupted by giant battle.

4. Scouring of the Shire replaced with massive hobbit rave-orgy.

3. Gollum biting off Frodo's hand then revealing he is Frodo's father.

2. Revealing that hobbits are short because of a genetic defect caused by toxic runoff from Rivendell.

1. Sam holding up 9.5 after Gollum dives into Cracks of Doom. Exchanging high 4s with Frodo.

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Quote: "East Auckland could be the target of MAF spraying after the discovery of a childcare centre" - Neil Waka reveals an evil plot on Friday's Late Edition.

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John Cleese might be following Arnie by making a run for California public office, according to a Monty Python co-star. Michael Palin told London's Daily Telegraph that Cleese was "very involved with [his] local community" in Santa Barbara, and was thinking of running for mayor. He added that Cleese would "do a great job". As for Cleese's acting career, Palin stated: "He doesn't really want to do comedy any more. He has a very active and inquiring mind." Cleese's appearances in the Harry Potter movies will "fund the rest of his life", says Palin. (Source: Washington Post)

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A reader writes: "I was in a CD store at the weekend when a woman came up to me and asked me if I was all right. I thought she was a pesky sales assistant, so just said, yes, and gave her a go away look. I then saw that she was a member of the public, which set me thinking. It was a hot, muggy day and I'd just walked to the shopping mall so my face was all sweaty. While perusing the CDs, I had been absentmindedly rubbing my chest, and since I wasn't wearing my glasses I was probably squinting with a pained expression. This lady probably thought that I was about to die of a heart attack and was genuinely concerned for me. So, my apologies to the lady concerned and I hope she doesn't stop caring in the future."

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