Sideswipe

Maybe they should look in Dunedin for suitable applicants?

How not to start your next police report (from the August Police Association newsletter)

1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent.

3. The mayor then made an illegal left-hand turn on to State Highway 1, at which point I opened fire.

4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout-outs" for my homeys in the command staff.

5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such a piercing intensity that, for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind.

6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy.

7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man actin' suspishushly.

8. The suspect first tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist.

9. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ...

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A couple of Scarfies trying to get home from Dunedin to Auckland for the hols had this to say about our national carrier. "There were two possible options. Option one: fly from Dunedin to Auckland on Air New Zealand. Option two: drive to Christchurch, pay for a tank of gas, 10 days' parking, a night's accommodation and then fly from Christchurch to Auckland on Qantas. Cost of option one: $1100. Cost of option two: $750. Our comment to Air New Zealand - get over it!"

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Poor old Simon and Wendy of One News have been shunted out of the studio and on to the mean streets, and are having to make small talk with the general public yet again. This time the ads ask, "Working parents: are our kids missing out?". A more unanswerable yes/no question would be difficult to find. Well done! Meanwhile, the results from their last poll about the drinking age are nowhere to be seen. Possibly because that's not the point of the whole exercise.

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The Unison Trust, which provides funds for the promotion of amateur sports teams or clubs, took out a full page ad in the Dominion Post announcing the successful recipients for the period ending May 31. They also publish a list of applicants who were declined, notably The Commerce Commission Social Club. Cheeky beggars.

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Anyone reading the cover story of The Business yesterday, "Drowning in Aussie Dollars", might have found the name of Sydney-based Pacific Equity Partners managing director Tim Sims strangely familiar. And not because of his profile in the world of private equity. No, "Tim Sims" is the name Muriel instantly comes up with when she first fibs to mate Rhonda about her imaginary groom-to-be in the classic Aussie comedy Muriel's Wedding. By the look of it, Muriel, the real Mr Sims might have been quite a catch. Though we're not sure if he would have adjusted to life in Porpoise Spit.