KEY POINTS:
How to shower like a woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper. Wear bathrobe to shower. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair with cucumber and sage shampoo. Wash again.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your other half flushes the toilet and scalds you. Turn off the shower. Wipe down all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
How to shower like a man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Wash your bits. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Shampoo your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. Throw wet towel on the bed.
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A reader writes: "While being hosted by a group of teachers in the United States, I was asked in all seriousness by a headmaster, 'I suppose, living in Auckland, you can see the lights of Sydney?' There was genuine surprise when they were told Sydney was 1200 miles away!"
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While crossing the Rockies on the Trans Canadian railway, Denis Fisher was chatting to an American woman who commented on how well he spoke English. Denis explained that English was New Zealand's national tongue. She was astounded, saying, "Oh, I thought all you guys spoke Dutch down there!"
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Yesterday flying saucers at St Lukes, today Santa Paws Christmas stocking. A reader writes: "I bought one for my puppy (yep, I know, I'm daft!) and it contained some dog biscuits, a green one in the shape of a tree and a red one like a bell. On Christmas morning I gave the puppy the green one to keep her quiet. Five minutes later we realised to our horror that the green food colouring was now all over the carpet. It will take a professional clean to get it out, so I complained to the manufacturers who suggested most people don't give them to pets indoors."
