Sideswipe: The swine flu pundemic

Photo / Supplied

Shane Melton snapped this picture of 'clean, green' Golden Bay.

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Heather and Gavin Jacobson sent in this collection of swine flu puns almost as bad as the condition itself.

SYMPTOMS:

- Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.

- Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.

- Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up.

- Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.

- Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.

- Developing a sty in either or both eyes.

- Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.

- Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon have a go if you think you're hard enough".

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won't be able to have a snout. This could be a false alarm, in which case you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.

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John reckons he knows a sandwich bargain - or not - when he sees one. "I just realised that the Subway SUBCARD is a bit of a sham. You get roughly 3.45 per cent of every transaction back as a reward on your card, meaning you need to spend around $225 at Subway before you can get a free foot-long. Why didn't they just tell us that it's buy-29-get-one-free. The old Subway system of buy-eight-get-one-free was much better."

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There was no such thing as good cop, bad cop yesterday on Auckland's Northwestern Motorway. Tina Richards was on her way to take a Pilates class when she was pulled over by a police car. Two officers came to the window and instead of presenting a ticket, they said: "We just want to congratulate you on your impeccable driving. You travel with the ideal distance between cars, you indicate well and your speed was perfect." Then they presented Tina with a $50 petrol voucher.

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A reader writes: "The company I work for recently moved to a new office in Carlaw Park and arranged carparking contracts at $101 per month. Our previous parking was in Newmarket and cost us $40 per month. After three months our carparking went from $101 per month to $236 plus GST at the same carpark. We certainly didn't get a 150 per cent pay increase to cover this parking. Sounds like there are many of us upset with Wilsons. Is this legal?"

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See today's Herald cartoon

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