Sandra Paterson: There are worse things than failed vasectomy

COMMENT

Imagine for a moment that your name is Zachary Bensemann. You are four years old, with freckles and a winsome smile.

You grow up thinking all is well with the world, until one day as a teenager you discover some newspaper clippings from 2004.

You read, with mounting discomfort, about how your parents had three children and then didn't want any more, so your Dad had a vasectomy. About how your Mum then got pregnant again and how they were devastated.

You duly arrived and began to grow up: your first smile, your first steps, the funny things you used to say. But, as you read further, Mum and Dad were still so gutted about having had you that they decided to sue both the surgeon who performed the vasectomy and their local hospital board.

You could be forgiven for thinking - rightly or wrongly - that they seriously didn't want you.

I'm trying to feel sympathetic for Scott and Melissa Bensemann, really I am. But we need to be careful about the messages we inadvertently send our children. I'm sure the couple don't mean to convey that their son is not wanted.

And I understand how a positive pregnancy test can be immensely worrying when money is tight.

I understand about having to deny your children things you'd love to give them; about having your plans turned upside-down by an unexpected pregnancy.

But for heaven's sake, suing the surgeon, going to the High Court, giving interviews on national television?

I feel sorry for young Zac; and I suspect one day the Bensemanns are going to regret making such a big deal about it all. After all, the surgeon, Alan Shirley, performed the operation correctly.

It's not as if he cut off the wrong leg or sewed a breast on in the wrong place. The case was mainly about whether he had given the Bensemanns sufficient information regarding the failure rate of vasectomies.

Someone should have told them gently to get over it, for there are far worse things in life than having an unexpected pregnancy and a child whose only flaw was that he blew the budget. If everyone had children only when they could afford to, kids would be a rare species.

Melissa Bensemann told Holmes last week that their small, three-bedroom house in Masterton was now cramped; that her four children had "no designer clothes, or even nice clothes" and that she wished she could afford to take them shopping or to a cafe - "important things that mean stuff to kids".

I WOULD have thought that the things kids find most meaningful do not involve shopping malls or designer labels.

My daughter likes going to a cafe, but she likes it better when we look for ladybirds or dig holes at the beach. She likes to dress up, but she'd rather go on a bush walk wearing old pants and mud-covered shoes.

The Bensemanns come across as good parents - reasonable, intelligent people who love all their children and want the best for them. Indeed, in the Holmes interview they said Zachary was "just the sunshine".

I wonder if they ever thought about the thousands of infertile couples who probably watched the interview - the one in six couples who are unable to have even one baby let alone four - who will never have a pudgy little hand to hold, who would do anything in their power to have a Zachary.

Melissa Bensemann had a difficult pregnancy, the lawyers said, and it would cost $98,000 to raise him.

Any infertile couple would leap at the chance to suffer those nine uncomfortable months; and most of them have spent a small mortgage on fertility treatment, often in vain.

Of course, it can be difficult sometimes, keeping life's hurdles in perspective, and I'm as guilty as the next person of moaning and groaning about my perceived problems.

But then I visit my friend in her mid-30s who suffers from a degenerative muscular disease. Completely healthy until 18 months ago, she is now unable to walk, eat or go to the toilet without assistance.

Or another friend whose preschooler has severe brain damage after a car accident, is unable to communicate and destined for a life of dependence.

Afterwards I feel ashamed of my whinging, grateful for what I have and astounded at how such people remain so positive. Sometimes we need reminding to count our blessings.

Mr Bensemann, for example, could have boasted for years about his gold-medal sperm which defied the odds and hop, skip and jumped across the great divide.

They could have put their energy into their son instead of into a court case about him. And they'd be thousands of dollars better off now that the High Court has rejected their claim for compensation from the surgeon.

A bad time to have a baby? Inconvenient? Costly? Yes, yes and yes. But one day I'll bet they look at each other and say, "Thank God that vasectomy didn't work".

Sandra Paterson is a freelance writer based in Tauranga.