Peter Lyons: Let's strive for togetherness

My mother died recently. But this is not a eulogy for a much-loved mother. It is a reflection on the features of a life well lived, a life that encapsulated much of what it means to be a Kiwi.

My mother was born in the depths of the 1930s Depression. Her formative years were spent living in a tent near the Kaipara Harbour while her father worked in the Woodhill Forest to eke out a subsistence living for the family.

Her journey through life was to take her from a hard rural existence to a relatively comfortable middle-class urban lifestyle. It was a journey that many of her generation experienced.

New Zealanders of this age were deeply affected by the Depression and the war that followed.

In my mother's case, she had it drilled into her that poverty was no excuse for lower standards of behaviour, poor manners or shoddy appearance, and that hard work and thrift were of prime importance to get on in life. Contributing to the wider community was a key feature in a good life.

As parents, this group was sandwiched between the stiff-necked, prudish Victorians and the more liberal parenting approaches of the 1970s.

Because of their experiences when young, financial security and stable jobs were highly valued. Unnecessary debt arising from frivolous purchases was to be avoided at all costs.

This generation is slipping away, and with them go the memories of a simpler, materially much tougher way of life in New Zealand.

Also slipping away with them is an appreciation of civic society that many in following generations seldom notice or appreciate. We are too busy making a living.

Civic society fosters the feelings of community that enable a society to function effectively and harmoniously. This was what struck me most after my mother's death.

Political and commercial considerations tend to dominate discussion about the state of our country. Little is said about the huge importance of the civic arena.

This sector includes church congregations, community service organisations, sports and cultural clubs, Neighbourhood Watch groups, book clubs, young mothers' meetings, babysitting groups and parent-teacher associations. Civic society refers to social networks that tie us together as a society.

When my mother died, the church community - of which she and my father were long-standing members - were there for the family in their time of great need.

People came from all over with offerings of food, support and goodwill. Many were new Kiwis, having not been long in the country - people from India, Indonesia and Malaysia who are now part of this community.

Neighbours also came to offer support - people who had met my parents through Neighbourhood Watch groups or just by saying gidday and having a yarn over the fence.

This experience during such a time is not unique. My mother was very much a product of her generation and there are many others like her. They have that trait New Zealanders used to pride themselves on - giving people a fair go. This involves helping if someone needs it, regardless of where they are from or what they look like, doing so without making a fuss and without the expectation of getting anything in return.

This desire to help others is partially grounded in sound pragmatism. In a small society such as New Zealand was, and still is, looking out for others makes good common sense.

We live in a country with few degrees of separation between each of us. The actions of one can impact on many - for good or bad. This is integral part of being a Kiwi, of being interconnected.

To expect our political or business leaders to help to foster social cohesion, and the values of being a New Zealander, is unrealistic and futile.

Their answers to our supposed problems are stark mantras such as higher productivity, increased GDP, greater competitiveness and more investment.

Fostering civic institutions and a sense of belonging to a wider community is seldom mentioned. Yet it is this aspect of our society that is most threatened as we work longer and harder to pay for the goods and services we feel we need in order to achieve happier lives.

Because of the experiences of their youth, my mother's generation intuitively appreciated and valued the importance of community as an integral part of being a Kiwi.

* Peter Lyons is the son of Dan Lyons of Mt Albert and the late Audrey Lyons.