Lincoln Tan: Let's change our ways and get to know each other better

Thousands of people from different ethnic backgrounds call New Zealand home or are here as students, but there still seems to be little intercultural mixing.

An immigrant from Korea told me that after four years in New Zealand he had yet to make a real Kiwi friend. He said although he found Kiwis to be friendly, it was difficult to get conversations to go beyond "Hello, how are you?" to "Let's have a barbecue over at my place, mate."

This reminded me of what a Japanese student said to me at the end of his year-long study stint here. He said he would leave New Zealand without knowing a single Kiwi apart from his teachers.

Walk down Queen St or Broadway, and a quick look at people grouped in cafes, restaurants and even the library seems to prove that the experiences of my Korean friend and the Japanese student are not isolated cases.

Although people are civil to each other, the relationships between people from different ethnicities are still very much at an undeveloped stage.

We sit at different tables when eating out, have our own friends who usually share our ethnicity or nationality, and we often live in a separate world to those who are different to us.

Are we simply not interested in other cultures, or is it too much like hard work getting out of our comfort zones to meet and mix with people who may differ from the way we are?

Or could it be that there are not enough opportunities here for people of different ethnicities to interact?

Today, on this anniversary of 9/11, I shudder to think what would happen if there were to be a conflict of a religious or racial nature in New Zealand when we have still not learned to deal with each other in times of peace. Weak people-to-people relations could easily lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

A Sikh friend, who had recently moved here from Malaysia, said he had problems entering pubs and bars in the city because of their no-headgear policy and insistence that he remove his turban. More than once, he had also been called a Taleban and a Muslim.

I doubt, judging from Tauranga's National MP Bob Clarkson calling Muslims "Islam religion-type people" and asking burqa-wearers to go back to "Islam or Iraq", that he has mixed much with Muslims or even attempted to get to know them.

For many of us, the chance to understand another person's culture is at one of the many ethnic events which Auckland has that usually involve traditional dresses, cultural dances and customary dishes.

A man I met at the Lantern Festival at Albert Park earlier this year told me he was extremely interested in learning about other cultures, and attended all the community festivals and events in Auckland.

While they are a good way for the ethnic minorities to showcase their culture and heritage, they do not reflect the natural setting on which people interact on a daily basis.

I cringe every time someone takes the stage at one of these cultural events wearing a Singapore Airlines uniform, the kebaya, and the MC calls it Singapore's national costume.

It is not enough for anyone who is interested in other cultures to learn about them from just attending fairs and concerts.

The sharing of New Zealand's diversity should be through the promotion of better interaction between communities and individuals in the real world.

After the recent rise of youth violence in South Auckland, there have been suggestions about introducing compulsory military service. That would be a great way for people to make friends with others from different ethnic backgrounds.

During my military service in Singapore I lived under the same roof with Malays, Indians, Chinese and Eurasians for more than two years. It helped me to understand people from ethnic backgrounds different to my own, and to also realise how much we share in common.

But even without military service, the opportunities are plenty if we are keen to experience them and engage someone from a different culture.

For the past seven weeks I have been "dad" to a 9-year-old Korean boy called Jae Young.

He was here with nine other Korean kids for an English immersion programme at Belmont Primary, and my family and I asked to be his homestay hosts.

I thought it would be a great opportunity for my kids, aged 4 and 6, to have a chance to socialise and bond with someone from another race and background.

Last week a dinner was organised for us and the teachers to meet his mother, and the other Korean mothers who had come for a visit. We spent many hours with Jae Young's mother in the days after that as she visited us in our home, and we visited the home of the local Korean agent where Jae's mother stayed.

She is an English language teacher in Korea, and shared with us her thoughts on why Koreans sent their children overseas at such a young age to learn English. She also spoke of her dreams of emigrating to a Western country that could give her children global opportunities.

Excelling in English and golf is a Korean mother's dream for her children, I learned.

In fact, I think I got a far greater understanding of Koreans in those three days than in the past nine years of attending organised Korean festivities and dining at Korean restaurants since my move to New Zealand.

Life would be so much richer if we all made a small effort to change the way we socialised, to experience the many different cultures of New Zealand by getting to know its people.