John Armstrong: 2003 Beehive Oscars

COMMENT

Backbencher of the Year

A tough one. National's deputy finance spokesman, John Key, has shown enough to suggest he has "Cabinet material" stamped all over him. As understudy to Brash as shadow finance minister he is one to watch next year.

Labour's Tim Barnett and Steve Chadwick get marks for steering difficult private member's bills, on prostitution and smoking respectively, through Parliament. But the prize goes to Matt Robson, one of the two Progressive MPs.

Robson is capable of dropping real clangers, as he did in backing the Sri Lankan candidate against Don McKinnon for the Commonwealth Secretary-General's job. Despite that, he is proving to be the conscience of the Labour-Progressive coalition, relentlessly campaigning for four weeks of annual leave, the release of Algerian asylum-seeker Ahmed Zaoui and the abolition of the anachronistic parliamentary prayer.

Rooster to Feather Duster Award

Bill English.

Feather Duster Back to Rooster Award

Maurice Williamson.

Biggest Mouth

Maurice Williamson.

Biggest Disgrace

The $2 million-plus of taxpayer money granted to the Awatere Huatas by government agencies with the minimum of monitoring on how it was spent; the shambles at Child, Youth and Family.

Parliamentary Hall of Shame

Labour backbenchers, who slavishly followed their whips' instruction and did not speak to Government bills to save time. So much for the notion of parliamentary debate. And National, for treating the front steps of Parliament like a Taranaki cowshed. You can take the boy out of the country, but you cannot take the country out of the boy.

The It's My Party and I'll Stay If I Want To Award

Donna Awatere Huata.

The Hard to Be Humble Award

Shared by Helen Clark, for saying she sometimes wondered whether she was a victim of her own success "as a popular and competent Prime Minister", and United Future's Peter Dunne, for predicting he could be Prime Minister one day.

The Paul Holmes I Wish I Had Never Said That Award

Helen Clark, for suggesting America would not have invaded Iraq had Al Gore been in the White House.

Biggest Fuss about Nothing Award

Labour's Harry Duynhoven disqualifying himself as an MP after taking out Dutch citizenship. An innocent oversight was turned by National into a campaign to oust the MP from Parliament and force a byelection no one, including National, wanted. It said a lot about National's state of mind this year.

Annual Hypocrisy Award

Act, for using the anti-party-hopping law to try to eject Donna Awatere Huata from Parliament even though the party strenuously opposed the measure becoming law.

The Winston Peters' I'll Throw My Toys Out of the Cot if I Want to Award

Winston Peters, for continually throwing tantrums in Parliament when he did not get his own way. Tedious.

The Annual Bill Birch Cure for Insomnia Award

Don Brash reading V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y from his notes in Parliament.

The Annual Jonathan Hunt Services to the Taxi Industry Award

Winston Peters, for losing his temper with a Somali taxi driver.

The Andy Warhol Everyone Is Famous for 15 Minutes Award

Shane Ardern, for driving Myrtle the tractor up the front steps of Parliament to protest against the flatulence tax.

Backdown of the Year

The dropping of the flatulence tax.

Best Putdown

Tariana Turia telling Winston Peters: "I don't think I need to account to Mr Peters for my eating habits, nor do I expect him to account to me for his drinking habits" after he attributed her size to a diet of fast food.

The Tower of Babel Award for Miscommunication

Shared by the American Embassy, the State Department and the White House. So many mixed messages. Is anyone the wiser as to what the Americans think of us?

The John Rowles Don't Call Us, We'll Call You Award

Conservation Minister Chris Carter's woefully inadequate attempt to sing Pokarekare Ana at the dawn service at Waitangi.

Silliest Press Statement

Economic Development Minister Jim Anderton claiming the abolition of appeal rights to the Privy Council would be good for jobs because it would not cost jobs.

Wittiest Press Statement

Act's broadcasting spokeswoman, Deborah Coddington, lamenting the scrapping of National Radio's early-afternoon light classics show Cadenza - "the only politically unbiased programme on state radio".