Joe Bennett: Why we ignore the Kyoto Protocol at our peril

Many of my clients ask me whether the Kyoto Protocol is going to affect them and, if so, when, and by how much.

My answer is yes, soon and a lot.

At which point they normally make a joke - such as, "'Yes, Soon and A Lot' would be a good name for a rock band."

The attitude of my clients alarms me. It alarms me even more when they point out that protocol is an anagram of proctool - apparently an amusing surgical instrument.

My clients fail to realise that the Kyoto Protocol is no laughing matter. If they continue to bury their heads in the sand, the Kyoto Protocol is going to hit them where it hurts most.

From 2002-03 all signatories to the protocol - and New Zealand is one - will be required to include a carbon credit-debit assessment in general income tax forms.

In essence the carbon credit-debit system is simple.

Every time you consume, trap or render inoperative a carbon or carbon derivative, you get a credit. Every time you release a carbon or carbon derivative to wreak havoc on the environment, you incur a debit.

The best and most common way of trapping carbon is to eat it. Since all meat and vegetables are rich in carbon, in theory a credit should be gained for every meal eaten.

The Inland Revenue Department has discounted this, arguing that ingestion is balanced by excretion and so credits roughly equate to debits. But this decision is about to be challenged. Growing children, and others who put on weight over the course of any given tax year, can both be considered to be in carbon credit and to have contributed significantly to the survival of the polar bear.

If you or any of your family come into this category, I would advise you to keep a written record of weight-gain achieved during the year to corroborate your claim should the Privy Council find against the IRD.

Carbon credits can be gained for capturing greenhouse gases. All plants capture greenhouse gases - according to Greenpeace it takes 1 1/2 New Zealand gardens to save an Adele penguin - so from 2002-03 you will be able to claim a tax credit on your lawn.

The IRD does not require you to count the blades of grass. It has agreed to accept figures based on the number of blades in a representative area of the lawn, suggesting a figure of 2 sq m as an appropriate sample.

Releasing a greenhouse gas incurs a debit. In a controversial judgment the IRD has decided to levy a nominal flat-rate tax on all citizens for flatulence. Teetotallers, women's groups and those without geriatric dependents or male teenage children have argued that this is unfair.

With the issue of the test case still unclear it is possible to apply to the IRD for a personal flatulence meter (PFM) for any member of your family whom you consider to be minimally flatulent and, therefore, a possible tax credit.

The meter is free but must be fitted by an IRD-approved medical practitioner, a process requiring the use of a proctool. My advice would be to await the judgment of the High Court which is sitting on the case right now.

(A useful text for the afflicted in this area is The Gasless Gourmet available from all Greenpeace outlets.)

Dairy farmers ignore the Kyoto Protocol at their peril. Methane emissions from cattle continue to riddle the ozone layer, thereby contributing greatly to cancer levels. It seems certain that personal injury cases will be brought against dairy farmers before the end of the decade.

The answer for the wise sharemilker is methane collector bags, already available from stock and station agents. The bags are fitted to cows using a nappy-like harness or else by a simple manoeuvre with a bovine proctool.

Full bags can be conveniently collected at morning and evening milking. They must then be sealed and buried.

Since methane is lighter than air the process requires practice.

Space prevents me detailing the sections on fridges, aerosols, cremation versus burial, cannibalism - a substantial tax-saving possible here - and I would simply advise all taxpayers to consult a financial adviser before completing any tax form.

But I do feel professionally obliged to warn all taxpayers of the final section in the tax form for 2002-03. It will read: "Do you inhabit a planet that has heated and cooled continuously over several millenniums for reasons that no one has perfectly understood? And are you a member of an animal species that hubristically overestimates its influence on the planet it inhabits?"

The Kyoto Protocol allows for swingeing tax penalties to be levied against those who doubt its oracular wisdom. Pragmatism suggests that it would be wise to answer "no" to both questions.

nzherald.co.nz/climate

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