KEY POINTS:
Whatever you do, don't mention the Gore.
Well, not to Trevor. Err ... Mr Mallard. Sir. The bossy one.
Because they can't both be right.
One of them must be, of course. And it could be Trevor. But it could be Al - who, coincidentally, seems to have found the Key to John's heart.
And if Mr Gore is right and the world's oceans do rise 20 feet, then Mr Mallard should start shopping for a wetsuit because the Rugby World Cup final in his beloved stadium is going to be the greatest underwater hockey match the world has ever seen!
... In a transparent building. Which will look uncannily like a goldfish bowl when the catastrophe comes.
This is a particularly inconvenient truth for Trev - and those of us who may end up literally sinking a billion dollars in his grand scheme - but we mustn't be too pessimistic.
The good news is that one debate may have negated the other.
Let's face it, if Al and Helen and Professor Stern are right and rampant global warming is a crisis dire, then no-one in their right mind would propose a stadium bang in the middle of harm's way at the edge of the sea.
But Trevor is.
And since it would be improper to suggest his mind is not right, we must assume he knows more than we do and all those greenhouse gasbags are full of hot air!
In which case, we needn't worry about global warming. The fact that somebody's even contemplating a massive structure on the dodgiest location in town proves it's an alarmist irrelevance.
This may be the news that finally gives the stadium the seal of public approval.
Because something has to.
You might've thought the fact that Paul Holmes supports it and Bruce Hucker doesn't is reason enough to go for the Taitodium - well it's transparent, and we can see through him too, so it's an ideal name - but sadly, that's not the case.
If The Harold's polls are any guide, only 22 per cent of respondents want a giant erection on the waterfront.
Clearly, something more than blowing Al Gore a billion dollar raspberry is necessary for vision and boldness to carry the day.
So, to assist informed public debate, here are some of the arguments in favour of a transformational concept that has yet to set Auckland's Thames on fire.
The Stadium is visionary:
The mayor's right. Imagine an aerial shot, coming in low from Waiheke, the urban tapestry of Auckland filling the lens like a technicolour quilt as the helicopter climbs then BANG! It hits the Sky Tower.
... No, don't imagine that. Imagine what Mr Hubbard imagines; the chopper whizzing up the harbour beaming live pictures to a global audience of billions.
See the whales beaching along Tamaki Drive. Thrill as we track along the sewer pipes, over the Rose Garden and down into the harbour with its majestic vessels moored at the tank farm and then, lo, like a jewel in the crown, or even the crown itself, with Rangitoto and Devonport in the background, there is the shimmering, luminous, transparent splendour of Stadium New Zealand, welcoming the world to Auckland.
As His Warship rightly says, "You can't buy an image like that."
Well, actually, Dick, you can. But it'll cost a fortune and may not be ready in time.
Nonetheless, his point is valid. It's a picture guaranteed to hearten any New Zealander returning from urgent surgery in Australia.
What a surge of pride such patients would feel as their aircraft circles the Stadium and they think, "Ahhh, I'm home. Back where people care!"
Now that is priceless.
And It's Bold:
Of course it's bold. It's a trailblazing, groundbreaking, revolutionary, innovative ... copy of what they've got in Wellington. And that's the way to be bold! You don't try to do something no-one's ever done before - far too risky. Boldness through imitation, that's the answer.
Second is safer, as the chap behind Dr Livingstone when he got eaten by the crocodile will readily attest.
Moreover, if the stadium does get built, we can all call Auckland Wellington North and have done with it.
In A Namby-pamby, Wishy-washy, Soft, Indulgent, Mollycoddling World It's Good To See A Bit Of Tough Love:
And that's exactly what Auckland's getting! There's none of this new-age "How do you feel? Let's talk it over," nonsense from Mr Mallard.
No way. Just an old-fashioned, authoritarian choice.
"Here are your options. Pick one or it goes to Jade!" Marvellous!
There will be those who say it's grossly unfair to expect local bodies in Auckland to agree on anything when they've never done so before, but any parent struggling with a recalcitrant teenager seeking an immediate divorce will be absolutely thrilled that somebody's finally cracking the whip and laying down the law.
Come Christmas this year, a lot of mums and dads will be telling their kids, "Santa's like Mr Mallard, you know. You do as you're told, you won't get anything!"
There's more, of course. There always is. But, basically, that should be enough to bring Auckland to its senses.
Put bluntly, as Trevor himself so impartially says, you can choose between "a dingy, outdated, overcrowded, run-down, hard-to-reach, suburban facility that isn't my idea or you can do the right thing and agree with me - and, we'll worry about who pays for the roading upgrades, new parking buildings, additional infrastructure and annual maintenance costs later."
P.S. Don't mention Stadium Australia either!
