KEY POINTS:
Let's assume the worst. Let's assume ... well, no, before we assume anything, let's do a little fact checking first.
What do we know about Mr Ali Panah?
a) Ummmmm, not a lot.
b) Far too much.
Actually, the answer is ... Probably both. We don't know
a lot about Mr Panah but we have heard far too much and we're fed up - even if he isn't. We're tired of hearing about his hunger strike and his new-found faith and, quite frankly, we'd like Mr Panah to go away - literally or figuratively, it doesn't matter. He should just go away!
The mysterious "they" should shove a bread roll in his pocket, stick him on a plane and put us out of our misery. And if that means putting him into his misery, well, tough! He's brought it on himself. Not our problem. Next crisis please.
But hang about. We're making assumptions again. What happened to the fact check?
Okay. Let's get it out of the way, once and for all, then pontificate with a clear conscience.
Fact: we know Mr Panah is foreign - which doesn't do him any favours. "There's far too many foreigners coming here," as the boss Moa said when Kupe showed up - and would have said when the other lot arrived if he hadn't been extinct. So we know Mr Panah's foreign. Not good.
But we also know he didn't flush his passport down the plane's toilet, cos if he had, "they" would have told us, for sure! So he's foreign (bad) but kept his passport (good). What else?
Well, he came from Iran, via South Korea, which is where he found God. Now, South Korea may seem an odd place for God to be - unless you're au fait with all that "don't mention it in front of the children" omnipotence stuff - but that is where Mr Panah found him. And apparently they got on pretty well.
Apparently. We don't actually know Mr Panah found God. We only know he says he found God, which is a slightly different thing. We also know he found a job once he got here, which is a slightly unusual thing.
"Foreigners" aren't supposed to find jobs. They're supposed to be a burden on the taxpayer. But Mr Panah wasn't. Rather inconsiderately, he not only got a job but also got on very well with his work mates who weren't, it seems, doing any construction work for Cabinet Ministers, friends of Cabinet Ministers or, indeed, any Member of Parliament whatsoever. Silly boys!
He also got enough money to buy a house or flat. Perhaps. Maybe he just paid the rent. Either way, the neighbours didn't complain and the Tenancy Tribunal didn't need to hold a hearing and the Housing Corp didn't need to fix the place up after he'd trashed it.
But that doesn't cut much mustard with the folk in the Immigration Service - who definitely know what they're doing. That is an incontrovertible fact.
"The Immigration people have checked him out very carefully," we've confidently asserted this week during our animated debate about Mr Panah's fate, "and they've found him wanting and they know what they're doing!!!"
Absolutely! They knew what they were doing when they let Mr Zaoui in. And when that bloke who was one of Saddam's most loyal lieutenants.
You know, the one who sneaked in with a false passport. And they knew what they were doing with those jokers who took flying lessons in Hamilton so they could trash the Sydney Olympics.
Not to mention all those Zimbabweans with HIV who've errr, how shall we put this, just sort of, ummm, disappeared.
Yup, they know what they're doing all right. They're invariably on the ball! That's a fact. In fact, it's the last fact we need to know before assuming whatever we want to assume.
So let's assume the worst - we're good at that. Let's assume Mr Panah hasn't found God. Let's assume all he's found is a loophole, a faith-saving excuse to justify a geographical preference.
And let's assume the nice Iranians won't execute him if he's sent back or, if they do, it's his own silly fault.
Besides, if he really is a Christian he should be happy to be a martyr.(Ahhh, how blithely we impose on others the burdens of a faith we don't share!
Alternatively, let's assume he stays. What do we get? Well, at worst, we get a dodgy Christian - who's got a job, pays taxes (which help send Helen to Apec) and, good heavens, pass the Communion wine, has even managed to fire up the Anglican church.
Moreover, we can't doubt his desire to be here. Heck, most of us couldn't go without a burger or a pie for 51 hours, let alone 51 days. So, on balance, in summary, at the end of the day, perhaps Mr Cunliffe should be moved by his fast and move fast to let Mr Panah in, if only because he'll replace at least one of the 700 odd hard-working, tax-paying Kiwis who're heading off to Oz every week!
