KEY POINTS:
It had been a long time since 'Dicky' Tikker had felt this good. In fact, he'd never felt this good - well, not since last year's Christmas Party, anyway.
Striding past the rows of framed awards in the foyer, 'Dicky' idly wondered if there was room for more.
Because there would be more. 'Dicky' was certain he'd pick up something for his new Solid Energy campaign.
Having had their undercover eco-Bond outed, the coal guys were being universally pilloried as a bunch of sinister malignites and desperately needed to refurbish their image.
What 'Dicky' had proposed was a series of ads explaining that prior knowledge of protest activities meant the company could avoid any unintentional damage to fragile ecosystems for which it was responsible.
Accompanying the text was a photo-moody atmospheric showing some furtive fellow in a trench coat and hat lurking under a dim street light but still tenderly cradling an endangered mollusc in his loving arms.
At Solid Energy, even our moles love snails was the heading and it was a winner! 'Dicky' knew that. For sure. But he also knew that, right now, he had even bigger loaves and fishes to fry.
"Morning, Mimsy," he beamed as he passed the receptionist - couldn't spell but she looked gorgeous!!! "Tell the Creatives I want them in my office in 10 minutes, honey cups!"
"Yes, Mr Tikker. Good morning, Mr Tikker," spluttered Ms Borogrove, still conscious of the need to maintain formality, notwithstanding their exciting horizontal encounter at last year's Christmas Party.
Fifteen minutes later the Creatives were assembled. The door slammed open and 'Dicky' strode in, a steaming organic decaf Fair Trade Chai Latte clutched in his manly hand.
"Hi, guys! Great news!" roared the ace ad-man. "We're going neutral!!"
"Who is?" snapped Paxton le Grange, whose ability as a copywriter was only exceeded by his talent for asking annoying questions.
"We are!" said 'Dicky' ... "the whole country is. From now on, we haven't got an official religion. Hell, no! We've got all of them!!!
"The lot! Every single incarnation of the higher power ... " snapped Paxton.
"Good point," mumbled 'Dicky'. "I think Mercury's getting the message right now, rather than delivering any."
There was a pause as he collected his thoughts. "The good news is, we're going multi-spiritual. It's the Gospel according to Netball, really. Nobody wins, everyone's equal. Multi-cultural, multi-spiritual, multi-talented; what a glorious future awaits us in this Promised Land."
"Not for our blessed Kaumatua," said Nadia, who did layouts and was very caring. "If all faiths are equal, they'll have to let other people go on nice overseas trips to bless official buildings."
"We could use the BK girls," quipped Paxton. "They're going to have some time on their hands now they've been banned. I reckon the sight of several strapping Kiwi gals galloping through a refurbished tower block in bikinis on horseback would scare the beJe ... "
"Careful!!"
" ... err, scare the living daylights out of the most demonic entity."
"How do the churches feel about this?" asked Nadia. "You know, the Anglicans?"
"Ohhh, they're thrilled!! Thrilled!!" 'Dicky' beamed. "They've been trying to be irrelevant for years! Now they've got it in writing. All thanks to this marvellous Draft National Diversity Statement."
A trembling Tikker gave a copy of the great document to each of his subordinates. "The thing is, guys, there's money in this. For us!! Now the pantheists and monotheists, the environmentalists and Flying Sorcerists, the Holy Rollers and the Happy Clappers - in fact, everybody except Bishop Tamaki and the Exclusive Brethren are all officially equal we're going to need a brand new National Anthem. And I'm damned if Thomas Bracken's great-great-grand-daughter's going to get the gig. I want us to do it Snitchi & Bitchi, the world's greatest ad agency!!!"
'Dicky' quickly distributed additional pages. "So what I've done is get the extinguished poet laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins, to come up with some ideas we can refine.
"Let's sing this together and see how it sounds. Draft National Anthem (Version 1). Come on! You know the tune ... "
All Gods bright and beautiful
All creators great and small
Fatwahs. Jihads. Satanists.
We're going to love them all.
In cuddly wee New Zealand
We'll worship everything
We've no faith left to call our own
And that is why we sing
All Gods weird and wonderful
All demons, ghosts and ghouls
Are equal here in Allgodzone
We're multi-faithful fools
"Not sure about that last line," said 'Dicky'. "Might need some work."
"Could be tools," muttered Paxton, then added thoughtfully, "but tools of what or whom, I wonder. We're all getting our knickers in a knot about people with hidden agendas infiltrating protest groups. Maybe we should worry about those doing the same in Parliament, before they've got us all singing
Gods of Nations
At thy feet
To you all
We meekly bleat
A faithless faith lift
Can't be beat
Gods defend No Zeal land
