Gordon McLauchlan: Paradise? Yeah, but only for the few

A King of the Island Paradise of Tonga ...

(A word of explanation: journalists throughout the world are obliged by some Law of Platitudes to refer to any South Sea island as a paradise, even though some have been hell-holes and many are still difficult places in which to live. I believe it has something to do with climate and the promiscuity, by European standards, of women during the first days of European contact.)

Right, where was I ...

A King of the I.P. of Tonga once decided to give democracy a shot; so he arranged for his throne, symbol of the monarchy, to be stowed out of sight on the second storey of his grass hut.

He ordered the cessation of the pernicious practice of subjects having to approach the King down on their elbows, dragging their bellies along the floor like snakes. He held elections.

However, one day, during a cabinet meeting in the hall on the ground floor, the enormous throne toppled over, fell through the ceiling and crushed the Prime Minister.

The ambitious former Crown Prince, who was much smarter than the incumbent - which means, however, that he could still be pretty stupid - stood up, wagged his fat feudal finagling finger at the King and said: "This is an act of God. He is telling us that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

The King, whose family has long intimately known that particular God who is a Methodist, agreed and the royal line was restored to its old authoritarian status.

The ruler, King Taufa'ahau Tupou IV, nicknamed King Fat the Fourth, seems a genial enough man not grievously psychologically damaged by the vanity that inevitably results from the slithering approach of subjects. But the future looks troublesome not only for Tongans but for all of us who live in this region.

Sitting in the sun at the beach the other day, talking to real people not confused by the sophistry of diplomacy, I was asked why it was that New Zealand taxpayers were giving aid regularly to Tonga while Crown Prince Tippytoes and his sister, Princess Pilolevu, were not only ripping off the local commoners but don't pay tax.

"Pass," I said.

"Let's not be mean-minded about it," said one mate. "When Cyclone Waka struck, why didn't Phil Goff offer a dollar-for-dollar subsidy as relief, that is a dollar for every dollar that multimillionaire Princess Pilolevu coughed up?"

"Pass, "I said again.

That's the trouble with common sense - it's unanswerable.

The trouble with countries run hands-on by monarchs is the King or Queen might be a bit dim as King Fat the Fourth clearly is and might oppress the people socially or economically.

The Tongan Crown Prince is obviously a vain bore but the news that upset my mates was that Big Daddy gave the princess the sole duty-free franchise and other perks, including 80 per cent of Tongasat, a company which has exclusive rights to lease orbital satellite slots.

The company takes half the profits and the Government the other half. When asked how much money she makes from Tongasat - as much as the $US25 million Forbes magazine claimed, perhaps? - she refused to answer, on the grounds that certain politicians would take advantage of it.

So she shows that, like her father, she has contempt not only for democracy but for the Tongan people. He said Tongans did not want democracy because of the example of Fiji with its coups. He did not mention the stable democracies of the region so he clearly thinks inhabitants of South Sea Island paradises are not up to controlling their own destiny. Self-contempt is always sad.

The New Zealand Government will give about $5.6 million in official development assistance to Tonga this year, happily almost half of it in the cause of education. A better-educated community and pressure from the more than 30,000 Tongans who live in New Zealand may lead eventually to modification of the ridiculous, anachronistic and grossly unfair system of government in that country.

New Zealand also recently provided essential transmission equipment to the Tonga Broadcasting Commission to help to set up a local television service, allowing Tongans to gain access to a greater diversity of media and educative services. The greedy princess' arm should have been twisted to pay for that.

We as a nation quite rightly feel an obligation to help our less affluent and developed neighbours but I think most Kiwis would want some form of moral pressure applied to end economic and social corruption and to encourage moves towards fairer societies. Perhaps withdrawal of funds for private sector development and for the Judiciary would be a hint.

Such pressure would not be to demonstrate our moral superiority but to underline the real danger of the nepotism now rampant in Tonga - that pustules will erupt on the social fabric and lead to unrest and violence, exactly as it has in Indonesia. We should dissuade Tonga from making this region more unstable than it is.

It's time for King Fat the Fourth to stow his throne in a museum with concrete floors.