Fran O'Sullivan: Year-end mailbag chock-full of surprises

John Key. Photo / Martin Sykes

A light-hearted look at the holiday letters that political and business leaders might have written.

Dear Prime Minister,

We are thinking of taking another shopping trip to New Zealand to scout out the landscape for more under-valued assets. It has been reported back to Beijing that Agria is quite delighted with the unique opportunity which was presented to it to buy a slice of PGG Wrightson after your leading Kiwi entrepreneurs once again demonstrated their internationally renowned ability to make a pig's arse from the finest silk purse.

Haier is also delighted with the first-class IP it has acquired from Fisher and Paykel Appliances. This will enable us to compete on the world stage - particularly against Whirlpool.

As you know, we have been studying New Zealand for many years (even from behind our red curtain). We have seen how your countrymen repeatedly blow investors' capital (and their own) by leveraging up their assets to fund mind-blowingly rapid expansions both within your shores and abroad. This is not the Confucian way.

We are not interested in financing your external deficit - we are too busy financing Mr Obama for now. But we do like hard assets.

When you come up to Shanghai for the Expo in May, you must drop into Beijing and let us know if there are any more New Zealand companies that could do with a helping hand.

We rather like Fonterra.

Li Keqiang
Vice-Premier - China

* * *

No horses, more hay

Dear Simon Power,

Happy, happy New Year.

Spending time in the Wairarapa has rather cleared my head after the tumultuous time spent on reforming our securities markets in 2009.

As you know I've been pestered to death on the Xmas cocktail circuit: by one bumptious Herald columnist, told to "grow a spine" by another, and made the object of extreme sport by the blogosphere who call me "Plane Jane".

I know the media has a job to do - but I would rather it was "not on me".

So I am asking you Minister, to reinstate my full litigation budget (or at least enough to support a decent inquiry) so that the commission may inquire into "certain matters" regarding the conduct of moratoriums in the financial sector.

It is a pity that your new regulations requiring companies proposing moratoria to give investors tailored disclosure documents, report progress thereafter, and vote for receivership if not satisfied, will not come into effect until January 31.

Investors are used to us closing stable doors after all the horses have bolted - this is just the NZ way.

I know I have said elsewhere that it might be difficult to get an inquiry under way because of the objections by certain companies' lawyers. But I believe the investing public does require some assurances that "ex ante" moratoria were carried out with due probity. Unless we do this, it will be difficult to inject confidence into our markets.

Jane Diplock
Chairman, Securities Commission

* * *

Madoff with millions

Dear Fran O'Sullivan,

I have decided to turn over to you the contents of my entire investigation into "a number of the finance companies" that I told a parliamentary select committee as far back as March, had been operating "like Ponzi schemes".

You have expressed surprise (if I could put it kindly, Fran) that New Zealand authorities did not get off their backsides (your words not mine) and chase up the XZ!Y!! who effectively used their companies as their own private piggybanks via related party lending transactions. Or rolled up non-performing loans into new loans to mask the performance of the overall loans portfolio.

I said then that there was no regulatory oversight of these moratoria with the companies, their trustees and affected investments. I think you may have been too unkind, Fran, by pointing out it has taken nine months for Mr Power to action this oversight, and to give Jane the authority to hold trustees to account.

Here's the files, Fran - You find Bernie. I'm going to the beach.

Neville Harris
Registrar of Companies.

* * *

Stock split supremo

Mark Weldon
CEO, NZX

Dear Directors,

Just a short note to record another year of stupendous performance - by moi.

NZX is now a publishing company. We're set to corner the market for dairy futures - and will likely run trading for Fonterra's dry shares unless anyone objects.

I'm still playing ping-pong with Jane over at the Securities Commission.

I asked her to investigate those big lumps of Allied Farmers shares that were dumped before the Hanover vote.

I also note she did not advise the Hanover people that the smart money would (as always) get out asap after the deal went through.

The "not so smart" are locked in for later.

Expect more media hassle on this in the New Year.

Hasta la vista,

Mark.

* * *

On yer bike, John

Dear Prime Minister,

I don't really feel it is appropriate to address you as "Dear John" - that might upset. But you should know your fellow Cabinet Ministers would rather you stay in Hawaii and keep your bright ideas to yourself. I can't afford you to bust my Budget this year with more daft cycleways.

Bill English
Minister of Finance

* * *

Sorry I missed the fun

Dear Diary,

What a year I have had working in travelling in Europe. My 50th birthday was a blast. I held it in Turkey - the local rag ran eight pages of photos.

I got to hang out with a former Miss Italy. Even Robert Kennedy's daughter Kerry made it. Kennedy himself is now getting known to Kiwis - he spoke at Mike Moore's charity bash. But we didn't bother with that in Istanbul.

What is it about "Kiwis" that they believe I would rather hang out with Eurotrash than return home to talk directly to my investors in Hanover Finance.

Mark did that job - he still lives in Auckland - and he persuaded the investors to go with Allied Farmers' proposal.

I know the company boasted in extensive TV advertising that it would protect deposits whatever the economic "weather" - well Mark's done his best.

I'm now focused on Cullen Investments. We're out at Auckland Airport - location is everything ...

Eric Watson
Executive Chairman, Cullen Investments