By SANDY BURGHAM
A while ago a work colleague was flicking through a Hustler magazine at work (for research purposes only), and discovered to his delight, among the classified advertisements for goods and services, my double demonstrating a range of adult sex toys, and clearly getting a lot of job satisfaction
from it.
There was much hilarity around the office and some speculation that I was a fraudster and my past had finally caught up with me.
Luckily for me, her magnificent boobs were a dead giveaway and my credibility was restored. While I was somewhat horrified back then, it seems that now, only a few years on, I should have coolly taken credit for my evil twin's antics, since erotica has come out from under the bed and should be proudly waved about for all to see.
Here in New Zealand, we are lucky that the Erotica expo of the last few days has given those slowpokes a few ideas in the let's-jazz-things-up-a-bit-department.
Never before have average punters witnessed such flagrant and explicit sexuality in an exhibition.
I attended the show on Friday morning, and I must confess that (call me old-fashioned) it all seemed a bit incongruous at that hour.
Anyway, while I was going to suggest that I attended for research purposes only, I am aware that this may make me seem a bit of a prude. So, here's my line: anything that makes Auckland a more colourful and interesting place deserves to be supported. Let's leave it at that.
Turning up to such a gig alone was a little out of my comfort zone. Indeed, most people I knew planning to attend were going to do so en masse so as not to feel too conspicuous. So I took my husband, who wasn't exactly an unwilling accomplice.
Erotica was a mix of orgasmic fantasia meets every other show that uses the showgrounds. The spa pool people, the motorbike people (who made an effort to sexy it up a bit with such classy copy lines as "Do you like it on all fours?" to push quad farm bikes), the mineral water people and, of course, the legalise cannabis folk, who are now familiar friends to trade show regulars such as myself.
While the more hardcore stands were certainly saucy, once you've seen one fluorescent dildo you've seen them all. And, after a while, one felt like Tony Soprano in his Bada Bing nightspot, somewhat disconnected from the hot action.
But what a great effort to even get a show like this off the ground in a country so embarrassed about its sexuality. While I could imagine in Australia people would be jeering and cheering at 11.30 am, my fellow attendees were mainly awkward groups of westie blokes who tried to act relaxed and casual while sneaking a jolly good perv.
We stayed for one of the floorshows in which I was characteristically picked from the floor to get up on stage and pull down some guy's jeans, all this being suspiciously recorded on a wide lens camera. "I'm here for research purposes only," I felt like shouting into it.
I got my free T-shirt and then we went home in time for lunch. Did we buy anything? Sure, he bought me a cup of tea, and I bought him an orgasmatron, which is actually a wire spider-like device used to massage one's scalp. I wondered if this is just called a plain old scalp massager at other more tame trade shows.
Sex has always been popular and no one needs an excuse to indulge, especially in these days of Sex and the City. But with erotica retailers coming out of the back alleys and on to the high streets, and free-flow pornography on the internet, we are being bombarded with 101 ways to push the boundaries.
It's not acceptable to wheel out the standard routine. One feels pressure to rark it up a bit and throw in a few bells and whistles.
Thus it looks like Auckland will be enjoying the Erotica exhibition for many years to come, despite those awkward Kiwis who probably just needed a stiff drink and a bit of a prod to really get into it.
Sex, yes, it's just one more thing we all have to be good at.
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