Dialogue: A resolute New Year's effort to avoid the same old lies

By JOE BENNETT

Yes of course I've made a New Year's resolution. I shall behave better at parties.

When I am going to a party this year I shall not take the bottle of Fijian riesling that someone once brought to my party because someone once brought it to their party. And when I take the Fijian riesling I shall not carry it in with my hand over the label, nor shall I go straight to the kitchen and hide it among the other bottles of Fijian riesling and look in the fridge for beer.

I shall not pretend to recognise people. When someone at a party says, "Hello Joe, how lovely to see you again", I shall not say it is lovely to see them again. I shall say, "What's your name?"

When people tell me their name I shall use it five times in the first five sentences so as not to forget it. When I forget it I shall not substitute the word "mate".

When I kiss a woman at a party I shall not let the woman dictate how we are going to kiss. I shall decide for myself whether it is to be the lips, the cheek or the full facial avoidance. If it is the full facial avoidance I shall not nibble the ear.

If it is the lips, I shall wait a full minute before wiping my mouth. When a man makes to hug me I shall go away.

If a conversation is boring, I shall not say that I am just going to fetch a drink and then not come back. I shall say I am just going to the loo and then not come back.

If I say I am just going to fetch a drink, the bore can ask me to fetch him one, too, and we are back at square one.

I shall not escape bores by pretending to catch sight of someone I know on the far side of the room and saying, "Excuse me a minute." Nor shall I beckon a friend across, introduce the friend to the bore and then go away.

If a friend beckons me across to meet someone, I shall go away. I shall go to the back doorstep to smoke and play with the dog. I shall not spend long periods at parties sitting on the back doorstep smoking and playing with the dog.

Nor shall I steal chicken vol-au-vents to feed the dog with. Nor shall I give it sips of Fijian riesling.

I shall always take a warm sweater to parties because it can get cold on the backdoor step. A cushion would be a good idea, too.

When the party begins at 8 o'clock I shall not go to the pub first for just a quick one. Nor shall I stay at home with a book until it is too late to go to the party and then ring up in the morning and say I've just looked in the diary and how sorry I am to have missed it and was it fun and we must do it again soon.

I shall never say we must do it again soon.

When someone at a party tells me something private and juicy I shall not tell it to the next person I talk to without first asking them if they can keep a secret. If they say no, I shall not just go ahead and tell them anyway.

When people ask me if I can keep a secret I shall say no. They will just go ahead and tell me anyway.

I shall not stay right to the end of parties. When I stay right to the end of parties I shall not boast that I used to be reasonably good at gymnastics.

When I boast that I used to be reasonably good at gymnastics I shall not offer to do a handstand. I shall always choose a well-carpeted bit of the house to do the handstand in.

When people at parties ask me if I'd be willing to help out with the bring-and-buy sale for the local kindergarten I shall say no. And when they ring up the next day to ask if I really meant it when I said yes, I shall not say, "Of course I meant it". I shall say, "No, I didn't mean it".

When they tell me the date of the bring-and-buy sale I shall not say, "What a pity. I'll be out of town that day". Nor shall I then go out of town that day in case someone rings from the bring-and-buy sale.

When the beer runs out at parties I shall not drink from left-over cans that are half full. I shall sieve them first to get the cigarette ends out. And I shall not dance.