David Hill: Let's look on the bright side

COMMENT

Now that the moratorium on the commercial release of genetically modified organisms has been lifted, it's important to look on the bright side.

And after all, geneticists will probably be able to modify us so that we all do have a bright side.

I hope to see GM being applied to many brave new world projects. The first major task, of course, is to save the Y chromosome.

Reports that human males may become extinct in 100 million years have appalling implications for society. Who will know how to channel-hop with the television remote?

It's generally acknowledged that modern science began as a response to the servant problem. So let's make GM our servant. Let's use it to develop other vital products or modifications such as:

Seedless grapes, stoneless cherries, pipless apples, pitless olives and furless kiwifruit.

Cows with no bodily orifices. Anything to avoid more banal brayings about fart taxes.

TV hosts' teeth so that their luminosity does not endanger viewer eyesight.

Deciduous trees with aerodynamic leaves that glide away from gutters.

Lawn grass that grows only on word of command.

A new range of tall poppies to ease the Prime Minister's loneliness.

Corn on the cob that doesn't squirt into dinner-partners' eyes when one bites into it.

Brussels sprouts and broccoli that grow in colours which will make children eat them.

Birds' sphincters that automatically close whenever their owners fly over freshly washed cars.

Grass on roadside berms that carries an odour which repels all squatting dogs.

Boy-racers' testes so they explode when engine revs reach a certain level.

Politicians' vocal chords so they are unable to say "the truth of the matter is" or "we will progress this issue".

Grass on playing fields that flicks rugby players' throat-clearing hoicks straight back into the player's face.

Suburban door-knocking evangelists' wrists that cannot bend to reach the door.

Wellingtonians' pelvises so they automatically settle into a 45-degree tilt during a southerly.

Aucklanders' blood pressure so it automatically settles at a safe level during motorway tailbacks.

Pam Corkery so she just settles.

A transtasman solidarity symbol in the form of a merino-kangaroo cross. Yes, a woolly jumper.

Adolescents' jaws so they unhinge for 10 minutes when their owners start bawling obscenities to their mates across a shopping mall, and chew gum on crowded public transport.

Drivers' ears so that cellphones pressed against them administer a painful shock.

A second eye for Canterbury rugby fans to supplement their single one.

Grass in public parks that turns steel-hard and razor-sharp the moment hoons' cars try to do wheelies on it;

Paul Holmes - in any way.