HIV nightmare no dream

By CHRIS BARTON

Justin Dalley's partner had a terrible premonition about a month after they started living together.

"I actually dreamed he had HIV. I woke up in the morning and turned over to him and said, 'Oh my God, I've had a crazy dream - I dreamed that you had HIV and you'd given it to me'.

"He turned to me and laughed and goes, 'Oh that's ridiculous'."

But it was partly true - as Dalley's 22-year-old partner was to find out three months later. In hindsight she thinks it was her subconscious warning her.

Last month, Dalley, 35, pleaded guilty in the Wellington District Court to a charge of criminal nuisance - brought because he had unprotected sex with his partner and did not tell her he had HIV. He will be sentenced at the end of the month.

So far his partner, whom we will call X because she has name suppression, has not tested positive to HIV, but she faces weeks of uncertainty.

She found out about Dalley's secret when one of his friends wrote to her. The letter began: "You've had a dream that Justin had HIV and you were right ... "

Confronted with what he had done and for reasons yet to be disclosed, Dalley went to the police and confessed. But it was several weeks later, when he was about to fly to Australia, that X finally laid a complaint and Dalley was arrested.

"I was in shock when I found out. It didn't sink in," X said.

The pair both worked in a small branch office of a technology company. After about five months they started a relationship that lasted four months. They used a condom for the first night, but not after that.

"You don't ever feel someone is going to hide something like this from you - especially someone you've known as a colleague and friend," said X.

She is calling for a law change to make disclosure of HIV status a mandatory requirement for sexual partners. "Someone should have the choice whether they want to take the risk or not."

Dalley, who discovered he was HIV positive in October last year, has difficulty explaining his actions.

"The first night I wore a condom and it came off when we were having sex and I panicked - I didn't know what to do.

"The next time I asked if she wanted me to wear a condom and she said it was up to me - and I didn't."

Dalley says he was, and still is, very much in love with X and he was scared that if he told her about his HIV he would lose her.

He claims doctors told him HIV was difficult to catch and to pass on to others, but acknowledges it's not an excuse. "I didn't do the right thing from the start, which I regret so much. This is the biggest lesson of my life. You have to wear condoms regardless of whether you're HIV positive or not.

"Really it's a wake-up call to everybody out there."

Dalley found out he had HIV when he and a previous girlfriend were tested. Her result was negative.

He has had a listing on the New Zealand Dating website for about three years, using the codename "Absolute Bliss". But he says it's been mainly a fun thing he has used for online chat with friends.

X says she knew about the website, but believes their relationship was monogamous.

She is getting support from her flatmates and an ex-partner.

"I'm better today than I was yesterday. I have my days when I'm quite good."

She's also very angry - not just at Dalley but at the way she's been treated since and by the betrayal of friends and associates who knew about Dalley's HIV but said nothing.

"I've had to push in every direction to get any sort of help."

Her employer was unsympathetic, resulting in a personal grievance action and confidential settlement. She wonders how she will get back into the workforce.

X also found she was not eligible for ACC because what happened to her is not classed as sexual abuse. But Dalley can get a sickness benefit because he has HIV.

She says Dalley has apologised, but she doesn't believe he comprehends the impact of what he's done. "He's sorry that he got caught."

But X admits to still having feelings for Dalley and initially encouraged him to see a counsellor.

But she soon felt "he didn't comprehend or give a shit".

Dalley has been seeing a hospital counsellor for the past seven weeks and a psychiatrist.

"It's a nightmare. I can't sleep. I haven't slept for so long."

His prospects are bleak. "I'm 35, I've got HIV, I'm unemployed, I'm bankrupt. This is a lesson to people - don't do what I've done."