I hope you have the chance to read this letter before you head back to Australia.
I know John Key has chatted to you about this business of throwing Kiwis into detention centres but I thought I'd write to you because I know how politics really works. I bet your chat was a lot nicer than our Government is pretending it was.
John said he'd give you a right telling off. It's more likely you two compared notes on what a tight spot you're both in over this.
John probably confided in you that his internal polling shows Kiwis are getting a little cross about the way your Government is carrying on, and you probably told him what a burn you'd take if you went soft on Kiwi criminals.
Then you probably both agreed to talk tough to each of your audiences, and later on quietly reach a do-nothing compromise when no one's looking.
Even if you've agreed to do something about this detaining and deporting of criminal Kiwis, I'd bet my left-over cash you haven't agreed to stop shipping them off.
At most you'll agree not to chuck them on Christmas Island for the months it takes to get the deportation paperwork ready. You might just agree to let them spend those last months with their families, at work and paying you tax. Then you'll deport them.
To be fair to you, you might not have realised this was such a big deal, especially since Murray [McCully] at the outset didn't even call Julie [Bishop].
He only sent a text. If she's anything like me she will have read it, promised herself she'd reply just after she'd cleared some of that Foreign Minister paperwork, but then forgot the text as soon as the kids messaged about the milk running out, Civic Video texted through this week's cheap rental deal and you sent the usual message: "WTF did Abbott just say?"
I'm not going to tell you off for deporting criminals. Sometimes deporting criminals is a good idea. Without someone having a similar idea a wee while back, you guys wouldn't have a country.
I'm not going to tell you off for breaking the Anzac spirit. That's probably a figment of our imagination, anyway. If we really are "cousins", we're so far removed we can't be sure which of our grandfather's brothers your aunty's grandmother married.
I'm going to tell you off for being dishonest about what we mean to you. Fifteen years ago, the Australian Government decided to make it harder for Kiwis to become citizens.
It's now so hard it's virtually easier for a Zimbabwean to get citizenship than it is for a Kiwi.
Which means those Zimbabweans can get public healthcare and welfare help when Kiwis can't. Doesn't matter how much those Kiwis pay in taxes.
And it also means those Zimbabweans who are a bit naughty get to stay in their new homes and Kiwis don't.
If we were being honest with each other, you'd admit that this country is just a big Winz queue to you.
You can ignore us when you don't want us, but when your economy's rocking, you need us to fly on over and fill the jobs that need to be done. So, you've made it easy for us to get to Australia, but not easy for us to stay for the rest of our lives.
And now that the economy has slowed down and Australians need the jobs, you don't want us around any more.
By the way, I hope you enjoyed our hospitality while you were here. I'm sure you would have had a nice bed to kip in, delicious cuisine to sample and permission to go outside whenever the need for fresh air arose.
That's more than a lot of Kiwis are getting from your lot.