This week's sentencing won't take away the pain of losing a loved one in the Christchurch terror attacks, but it might give families some hope for the future. Elizabeth Binning talks to Vanessa Svebakk about what it was like losing her daughter nine years ago in the Norway attacks which
Grieving mother Vanessa Svebakk: 'I choose not to be another victim of the terrorist who killed my daughter'
Subscribe to listen
Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber? Sign in here
Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
"I couldn't be there that night to save her life but I was going to make damn sure that all through his trial and sentencing I was going to be there."
It's been nine years since her 14-year-old daughter Sharidyn Svebakk-Bohn was killed during the Norway terror attacks on July 22. Nine years since her life as she knew it stopped and she and her whānau have had to find a new way of existing.
"It's just as bad [as it was then] and I have done everything on earth between heaven and hell to try and cope - but we do get through it every year. We choose to. I choose not to be another victim of the terrorist who killed my daughter."
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
Tomorrow, as the sentencing gets underway for the Christchurch terror attacks, Svebakk's thoughts will be with the families of the 51 people who were killed and the dozens of others who were badly injured.
She knows all too well how many of them will be feeling about the process, and about a grief that never goes away.
It was early in the morning when Svebakk, who has lived in Norway for most of her adult life, received a text from a friend in New Zealand asking if she had seen the news.
She immediately thought it was an earthquake.
Instead she learnt a gunman had stormed Al Noor Mosque and the Linwood Islamic Centre, killing and injuring dozens of people.
Svebakk was immediately transported back to the day her own daughter was murdered on Utoya Island by a white supremacist.
"Everything stopped that day. We went into our first aid, survival mode".
Svebakk and her husband Roger's first concern upon hearing the news was for their two younger daughters and for other New Zealanders living in Norway, many of whom were anxiously awaiting news of loved ones in Christchurch.
"We were afraid of it hitting the news here that it would be a hot topic at school."
It's a pattern that repeats every time there is another terror attack around the world. The family are instantly plunged back into the worst day of their lives.
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
"There isn't one attack that has happened in the world that we don't feel affected by ... We are thrown into this blow-by-blow detail of our own story, it comes automatically without us even trying."
"When it happened in New Zealand it was devastating. The worst really came when we found out who inspired him and there was nothing we could do."
Since losing Sharidyn, who was born in New Zealand, Svebakk and Roger have worked hard to focus on their daughters and to continue living.
"I wasn't going to bury myself with her," she said. "I have done different things to figure out my way of coping, which has been different to my husband, to my children, and to other families I know - even though there are some similarities."
But, she says it's not an easy process, especially around the anniversary of the attack.
Sharidyn's birthday, the anniversary of the Norway attack and the day of her burial all fall within a few weeks of each other.
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
"It's a horrid period. I will spend 50 weeks of the year preparing for the two worst weeks of my year."
She said the first year was particularly hard and describes it as a bubble of "grief and excruciating pain you think is never going to go away".
"Eventually you do come out of the bubble but that's when the work to rebuild your life begins."
Svebakk said everyone has different ways of coping. For her, being in court - representing her daughter - was one of those ways.
"The trial was never going to give her back to me. I knew that but I wanted to make damn sure I was there to represent her, to be her voice."
Although she was supported each day by her husband, he didn't feel the need to be in court as he had different ways of coping.
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
She said it will be the same for many in New Zealand. Some will need to be at this week's sentencing but others will feel there is nothing to be gained by it - and that's okay.
"The same thing will be happening with these families ... Some will want to go, some won't want to go."
Svebakk said the pain of losing a child has never lessened from the day she first heard what happened - but she wants New Zealand families to know you do learn to move forward.
"It doesn't get easier, it's a feeling that is constant and will always be there but it's how they cope and all the days in between that matter."
Svebakk said while the sentencing was unlikely to bring closure for the grieving families, it was still important as it made Tarrant accountable for the atrocious things he had done.
After that she says it is important New Zealand, which handled the aftermath very differently to Norway by choosing to focus on the victims rather than the gunman, focuses on rebuilding.
AdvertisementAdvertise with NZME.
"It's important we don't turn into a country that's scared that it's going to happen again."
It's also important, she says, that support continues for the families who were directly affected by the shootings, especially those with children.
Her advice for all of New Zealand as we head into tomorrow is simple:
"Kia kaha whānau."
"That insufferable loss that those families feel, there's nothing that will fix it but over time you will survive, we all survive."
