Grieving at Christmas: I mourn for my sister but I’m determined to find joy these holidays – Shane Te Pou

Shane Te Pou with his late sister Marjorie.

As the holiday season approaches, I’ll be thinking of my sister Marjorie, who we lost at the age of 59 in September.

I know this Christmas and New Year period is going to be particularly tough. While it’s a time usually filled with laughter and celebration, her absence makes it feel bittersweet.

I try to find joy in the moments we share, but sometimes guilt creeps in, reminding me of the fun she’s missing out on. It’s a whirlwind of emotions that can be hard to navigate.

In these sad times, I’m reminded of how important family and friends truly are.

The holidays encourage us to reconnect and appreciate the bonds we have. If there are any unresolved issues with loved ones, now is the perfect time to address them.

Life is too short for grudges and we never know when we might lose that opportunity to make things right. As we balance the sadness and the happy memories this season, let’s honour Marjorie and others we’ve lost by cherishing the present and nurturing the relationships that mean the most.

As I sit down to share again my feelings about my sister’s passing, I’m struck by the idea that time heals all wounds. I want to believe that, but right now, it feels hard to accept.

The pain of her absence is still so fresh and the holidays are looming, bringing a mix of emotions that I find difficult to manage.

When I do find moments of joy, guilt often rushes in to remind me that she’s not here to share in those moments. It’s a confusing place to be – trying to enjoy life while constantly feeling like I’m betraying her memory.

It hurts to think about how much she would have loved being part of our lives, especially with my kids growing up.

I can picture her laughter ringing out as she cheered them on, celebrating their milestones alongside us.

Instead, I’m left with the weight of her absence and the guilt that comes with smiling when she’s not here to see it.

I think how my sister would have loved that the hīkoi to Parliament had an award for best-dressed protester. She would’ve been right up there.

In my dreams, she visits me, smiling and carefree, free from pain. Those dreams bring a sense of comfort, but waking up to the reality of her absence stings.

With Christmas approaching, I find myself dreading the holiday season.

My sister adored Christmas, and I can almost hear her laughter as we reminisced about our favourite traditions – those Christmas Day drinks that led into Boxing Day celebrations, and the beautiful summer evenings spent in the Bay of Plenty, filled with stories from our past and dreams of future adventures.

An estimated 40,000 people joined the hīkoi to Parliament last month. Photo / Mark Mitchell

Maybe I’ll hear her say “time to go to bed, brother” and maybe this time I won’t ignore her.

I often think about our road trips together – the fun we had exploring new places and the deep conversations that flowed so easily between us.

In my dreams, she visits me, smiling and carefree, free from pain. Those dreams bring a sense of comfort, but waking up to the reality of her absence stings.

Those moments are crystal clear in my mind, while the little details of everyday life seem to fade away. It’s as if those trips captured something special between us, a bond that feels unbreakable even now.

As we work through our grief, I’m learning to allow space for both sadness and joy. It’s not an easy balance, but it’s an important part of healing.

I will go to visit all of my whānau who have passed away at our ancestral urupā in Rūātoki, Waimana and Kawerau with the realisation that our sister is now an ancestor.

I know this Christmas will be tough for me and my whānau, but despite the grief, we’re determined to find joy.

We want to create beautiful memories with our children and mokopuna, honouring my sister’s spirit by enjoying life. Recently we welcomed a new mokopuna, my brother’s first grandchild. Our moko is a reminder of the cycle of life and the love that continues to grow, just as my sister would have wanted.

Now a word to the living: you know that little argument you had with your mother, father, sister, brother or cousin? It really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things – make up and find some peace. You never know, you may not get a chance if you wait too long.

Anyway, thank you to all of those reading my column – I value our relationship.

Enjoy Christmas. I hope you can take some time out.