Greg Dixon’s weekend

PEES RELEASE ME

Well, if you ask me, Dover Samuel's account of his Toilet-gate tsunami just doesn't hold water. But what will the PM say when she is asked, as she undoubtedly will be in Parliament next week, if she still has confidence in him? Something like "Yes, Dover is a hardworking and incontinent minister", I should think.

PHONING IT IN

So you're the Mayor of Auckland. Your profile is in the dunny and your deputy is a publicity hog. Even a beer company - "Hasn't Dick Made A Difference" says its latest billboard - is taking the mickey.

"What to do?" Well paint, of course. Not the thousands of city walls covered in goddamn graffiti, mind, but a canvas. Now where to get inspiration? Ah, the Auckland phonebook ...

DANCING QUEEN

Well it shouldn't be allowed. But apparently Dancing With the Stars, in which sad, slightly famous people attempt ballroom dancing, is to be broadcast this weekend. However, nationwide TV humiliation apparently isn't enough for one of the so-called stars. Labour's Georgina Beyer. On Tuesday, she intends to take her "stunning" dance partner, some 21-year-old called Michael Hoggard, to caucus to meet all her colleagues. The pair are going to dress up in their glam gears and twirl past the media scrum. Well it might help divert attention from some of her colleagues - namely John (front bums), Dover (pant wetting) and the PM (being sued for defamation, again).

SAY NO TO OLD MUTTON

When I heard the Turkish Government had allegedly decreed "no haka" at Gallipoli this year I have to say my first reaction to this outrage was "let's invade the buggers". But of course we don't want to do that again. So I propose a cultural ban of our own. I encourage you to take a stand by no longer eating the unnecessarily ubiquitous and entirely inedible muck that they call kebabs. Take that Johnny Turk.

CHEEKY PONTIFF

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From an unofficial press release from Pope Benedict issued this week: "I just don't like this new Paul Holmes show, he seems to be entirely too organised - he seems to be an imposter, he doesn't look like Paul Holmes. He looks like someone going around in Paul Holmes' clothes. The other was all about soul ... this one's a wowser." A spokesman for Prime immediately issued a statement saying, "I think that it's Benedict rabbiting on. I think it's Benedict being Benedict. And Benedict isn't qualified to comment - he's a Pope, not a broadcaster desperate for ratings."