Judge Graeme MacCormick says he usually begins his mediation conferences by asking parents to give a brief "word picture" of their child or children.
The conferences, which media aren't permitted to attend, are the Family Court's non-adversarial process that occurs after counselling has failed and prior to a defended hearing.
Mediation aims to get both sides to discuss their differences with a judge, and try to reach agreement.
Judge MacCormick starts by encouraging parents to talk about each child's nature and personality, whether they are physically fit and well, their interests, what they enjoy doing, school or pre-school progress and how they relate to adults, peers and siblings.
"Parents seldom disagree widely on the nature and attributes of their children."
He then explains that he has asked about the children because the court's focus will not be on what caused the breakdown of their relationship, but will focus on the best future parenting times and arrangements for their children.
And that before considering the options, the court needs to have some knowledge of the needs that each child has.
MacCormick then lists on a whiteboard what he perceives to be the general needs of children.
That includes: love and affection, security and stability, basic needs such as food, clothing, accommodation, education and medical care, and encouragement and support.
Also on the list is good contact with both parents and parent's families - subject only to safety considerations.
Sometimes he also discusses the importance of birth parents and the difficult role of step-parents.
He stresses, too, the need to respect children's wishes and to minimise conflict.
"Many children's primary wish is just for their parents to stop arguing."
He says if he can get parents to tick off some of the things on the list, it seems to help.
Then comes the detail of working out the respective parenting times - "with a due measure of give and take" and with the assistance of their own lawyers and the lawyer for the children.
MacCormick concludes by reminding the parents of what he says is often the situation: good children who love both their parents and have great potential; and two birth parents who love their children, who both want to be there for them and who are genuinely concerned for their future well being.
"Not all children have that sort of starting point."
