Willy Trolove: Through the wardrobe and into a strange new world

Clothes are important. You can still go places in this world without qualifications, money or a life coach, but try climbing the ladder of success without clothes and the only thing you'll get are splinters in unseemly places, and horrified glances from the people below.

Mark Twain said: "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." You have to agree with him. Wearing clothes is the most important thing you can do to enhance your position in the social hierarchy and convince your neighbours that you are not a flasher.

So why aren't we taught about clothes at school? We learn how to read and write. We learn how to add, subtract, divide and, in sex education classes, multiply. We even learn how to cook perfectly burnt scones, make useless pieces of woodwork that our parents have to like, and sew our fingers onto a button.

But nobody teaches us about clothes. As a result, some of us are as confused about what to wear as we are about the changes to the income tax thresholds which, I understand, take effect in 2017.

One of the reasons for this confusion is that women and men see clothes differently. When it comes to clothes, men are from Mars and women are from the I-have-to-have-that-skirt-and-I-don't-care-what-it-costs planet.

Women have a relationship with clothes that most men spend their whole lives failing to comprehend.

If you are a woman, your clothes reflect your feelings. They express your personality and your mood, your individuality and your style. They make a statement about who you are and what you want to be. Clothes say "Hello world. This is me. What do you think?"

If you are a man, clothes are something to wear. They don't say anything because they can't talk. The only statement that clothes make is the monthly one you get from the bank.

I am generalising of course. Thanks to men's magazines, some men no longer think along such simple lines. In fact (gulp) some men are becoming trendy.

Trendy men have stylists. Trendy men have lotions that complement their auras. Trendy men know things about throw-cushions. Worst of all, trendy men are starting to think about their clothes in the same way that women do.

This is a mistake. I've been watching women and their clothes for some time now, and although I'm still unsure about a few of the technical details, like what exactly bloomers are, it's clear that if men start thinking about clothes the way that women do, we're in for a tough time.

Take any social event. Your average man and your average woman are pondering what to wear.

The man has to choose a shirt and some trousers.

If anything other than a shirt and trousers is required, the invitation to the social event will spell out exactly what he should wear.

Black tie it might say, to disincline him from turning up in work clothes. Or smart casual, which is a good way of suggesting that jandals are unwelcome.

If the man struggles to match his clothes, he can say "Honey, does this tie go with this shirt?" and she will give him an honest answer that will, in most cases, prevent him looking like a clown.

The woman has a harder time. She has to determine what the man is going to wear. When he says "I don't know", she has to figure out if this means a shirt and trousers and, more specifically, which particular shirt and trousers he doesn't know he is going to wear.

She then has to extrapolate this information to predict what the women will be wearing. She also has to determine if there will be any women at this social event who were at other social events she has been to recently, and then remember what clothes she wore to those other social events, so that she doesn't wear them to this one.

Having shortened her options a little, she will be left with a couple of tops, three skirts, a frock, several shirts, a blouse, a low-cut dress, two pairs of trousers, a funky little waistcoat, four jackets, a gown, 23 pairs of shoes and an array of accessories to choose from. At this point she may declare "I have nothing to wear".

She must then combine her remaining clothing options into a couple of outfits that will work in variable weather and lighting conditions.

If she can't choose between these outfits, she can ask the man for his opinion. He will be too terrified to be honest with her, and the hesitation provoked by this terror will cause her to say "You don't like this outfit, do you?" when he may, in fact, like it very much.

Oh yes, clothes are important. Sometimes I wish they weren't.