Willy Trolove: Flying the flag for a compromise we can all dislike

We need a new flag. Our old flag is, well, old. It's boring. We've seen it before, several times. Worst of all, it has historical significance, and these days historical significance just isn't on.

A lot of people agree with me, which is unusual. Some of you have written to this newspaper demanding a new flag. Others have started a petition. Several television celebrities (and let's face it, television celebrities are the most important people in the country) think we need to change our flag because they get it confused with the Australian one.

I make this mistake all the time. Sometimes I find myself cheering for the Aussies at sports events and humming Waltzing Matilda in the shower. These are, I understand, the only crimes in New Zealand still punishable by public flogging.

But even though I think we need a new flag, changing our flag is a bad idea for one simple reason: we will never agree on a replacement.

I used to think a silver fern on a black background was the way to go. It reminds us of those glorious days when the All Blacks were quite good.

But a nation whose flag is a copy of a logo of a corporate entity that runs a professional sport for its own profit is a very sad nation indeed. Especially when, if you want to watch the sports team that wears this logo play a game, you have to go into a lottery with every other New Zealander and pay through the nose for the privilege.

If we can't have a fern, then why not a kiwi? This is an excellent idea, but kiwis aren't going to be with us for long. It would be more accurate, and more enduring, if our flag showed a stoat devouring a kiwi's egg.

Or we could sell the flag to the highest bidder. Imagine our national banner as the Emirates flag, the Eric Watson flag, or, perhaps, the Tui New Zealand flag. Yeah right.

Our flag could depict our outdoor activities. It could show jet boats and white water rafts. It could feature a bungy jumper, trussed and bound, leaping off a bridge. Or a cricket umpire, trussed and bound, being thrown over Huka Falls.

The flag could display our rich social heritage: the suffragettes getting a vote; gamblers at a tote; or the French Secret Service sinking a boat.

It could highlight our Maori history. It could show Kupe spying the long white cloud; Te Rauparaha having the South Island tribes for dinner; or the Waitangi Fisheries Commission in action - or maybe that should be inaction.

The flag could promote our clean green image: Mitre Peak soaring over Milford Sound; New Plymouth glowing with herbicide residue; plastic bags washing up on Takapuna Beach.

Or it could emphasise our wildlife. It could show a horny kakapo fruitlessly searching for a mate. Or a possum inspecting the road surface at close proximity.

The options are limitless. And this is where the problem lies. We will never agree on a new flag.

In the old days New Zealand was a friendly egalitarian place where everyone got on with everyone else, got drunk at the pub before six o'clock, and voted for Rob Muldoon because they were too terrified to vote for anyone else.

Back then, we all thought the same, looked the same and did the same things. We agreed on almost everything. Choosing a flag would have been easy. Rob would have done it for us. Problem solved.

But those days are gone. Now we can't agree on anything. Choosing a new flag will involve a comprehensive, transparent and robust democratic process. There will be public meetings, consultation hui and endless referendums. We will have multiple hikoi, burning effigies, and a greater than usual amount of buttock-baring.

Eventually, the Government will announce a compromise flag that hardly anyone likes, but which Peter Dunne can live with. It will look strangely like the Labour Party logo.

David Benson-Pope, the associate minister of flags, will tell us that there ain't no alternative, and that this is the flag we have to live with.

But there is another way. Perhaps, instead, we should salute our great egalitarian traditions and choose a flag we all dislike equally. This would be a kind of tall-poppy flag that represents everything we don't want to be.

It would be familiar but different. It would have a Union Jack in the corner and a Southern Cross - a bit like ours - but, instead of having four red stars, it would be made out of five white ones, and there would be a sixth, noticeably larger star, off to the side.

Then, at least, it won't matter when our television celebrities get our flag confused with the Australian one.