Vivienne Crawshaw: Son priority in custody case

It was not that Gerard was actually scared of Miranda, he told himself; just that he felt she would not approve of certain things he did.

Last week, when he was reading an article about relationships in the Sunday paper, she had snorted in derision, snatched the paper from him and tossed it into the fire.

"You're a stupid bastard to believe that crap," she had muttered under her breath. Then when he had tried to call her to account she would hear no more discussion on the topic.

Gerard cringed and tried to calm her down because their 2-year-old son had wandered into the room, waking from his midday sleep.

Miranda suffered from depression and sometimes this meant she shouted at Gerard uncontrollably about seemingly minor things. She was in charge of the finances and when she felt he had overspent or shopped at the wrong supermarket there would be hell to pay.

She did not seem to care if their son was present or not when she let fly. When Miranda wanted to vent, she did just that.

When baby James was born Gerard offered to look after him. It was he who had really pushed to have a baby. Miranda was not keen on curtailing her successful career in sales and marketing. Gerard was grateful she had conceded on this major issue in their relationship and he wanted to do everything he could to make it work for her, including caring for their small son. It was he who got up in the night for James' bottle feeds and he stayed at home, becoming a house husband.

As time went on Gerard came to feel more and more isolated. Miranda was not at all keen that he join any of the coffee groups on offer, even though increasing numbers of men were attending these.

She insisted that the house was kept immaculate, though with a growing child this was difficult. Gerard began to feel his confidence was waning and noticed that he felt anxious each night as the time of Miranda's arrival home came. He could never be sure what sort of a day she had had and there were certainly occasions when he "wore" her office stress.

Some months earlier Miranda had had a run-in with her immediate superior. A business trip had been planned for her to visit Seattle and she had been looking forward to it. But her boss cancelled at short notice, saying the budget would no longer support the trip and mentioned words to the effect that it sounded more like a "junket" to him anyway.

Miranda was livid and by the time she reached home was at crescendo level. James began to cry when he heard his mother ranting. When Gerard asked her gently to tone it down in front of James, Miranda turned on him, clawing at his arms and chest and slapping him repeatedly in the face.

Gerard tried to turn away, to remove James from the room and Miranda shouted after him, calling him a wimp, with added obscenities thrown in.

When Gerard's sister noticed the scratch marks on his arm she became worried. She had seen Miranda's temper and tentatively tried to suggest that Gerard might need a break. But Gerard brushed off her offers of help, feeling humiliated in the extreme by the fact that his sister had noticed the marks and wondering whether she thought less of him because of it.

When Miranda left Gerard he had not seen it coming. She had found a fellow executive who offered her considerably more excitement than Gerard could, she said in explanation. And, she added, James would be coming with her. Of course.

The last words galvanised Gerard into action and he went to see a lawyer, who explained that Gerard would be able to apply for a protection order and, based on what he had told her, would be very likely to get one. Gerard was not at all keen on this course of action and decided the shame he had suffered at Miranda's hands was quite enough to contend with, let alone exposing the details to a judge.

But he was determined to keep looking after James, although he thought it would be good for him to get part-time work in the computer programming field in which he had experience.

Gerard's lawyer made an application under the new Care of Children Act for a parenting order granting Gerard day-to-day care of James, reserving reasonable contact for Miranda, given her work commitments.

Gerard did not reveal the details of Miranda's abusive behaviour towards him, but he did state in his affidavit that he had been James' primary caregiver and was willing and able to continue doing so.

Miranda's new relationship seemed to distract her from her previous occupation of haranguing Gerard and in this case she put up only a temporary show of opposing his care of James.

An agreement was made that Gerard would have care of James and Miranda would see him for two out of three weekends when she was in town, plus some night visits.

It is easy to overlook the fact that men are sometimes the subject of domestic violence and abusive behaviour from their partners. Often that embarrassment continues in the court arena, when they are unwilling to raise the issue for fear of more embarrassment and shame.

The Care of Children Act focuses on children's needs and welfare, not those of the adults. Here, James' needs for a stable relationship with his main caregiver and also his mother would be met by the consent orders made, provided Miranda's obnoxious behaviour did not continue into the separation and necessary co-parenting that would ensue.

* Vivienne Crawshaw is a family law specialist based in Auckland.