Sideswipe

Visionary Required: From the Southland Express Property supplement.

Last week, during the inorganic collection, a friend was at the Glen Innes police station reporting a car theft when a man rushed in to file a different theft report ... Apparently he was mowing the verge in front of his house when his mower ran out of petrol. He went to the back shed to get some more and when he returned he found four burly men lifting his mower into the back of a van and heading away ...

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Annie Charlton writes: "I am a regular visitor to your fair City of Sails and whilst in Auckland I always take a brisk constitutional walk with friends around the Domain, the sparkling jewel in the city's massive landscape. However, this weekend just gone, when on our usual morning walk we were assaulted by the foulest odour. As we progressed, the air was filled with this fetid stench and to our dismay saw that the ponds in the Domain have been drained slightly, no fountains playing, no movement of water except the repugnant smell coming from the ponds. Could Dick and his "munchkins" make this a priority as the jewel in Auckland's crown is not shining at all these days! That would be berry nice."

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A reader vents ... "How to Telecon the stupid public: Firstly, bombard your loyal customers with countless offers of a FREE Jetstream connection and a bonus FREE broadband modem. Then, when they finally yield to the call of technological advancement, tell them that the FREE modem is crap and they'd be better off with the $279 one. Finally, just to seal the deal, tell them the area they reside in requires a technician to come out and check that their line is suitable, for a fee of $149. Perfect!"

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Best quote from Laura Bush's speech that stole the show at the White House Correspondents Dinner: "I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse."

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While governments and the sports world are busy condemning the use of steroids as "cheating", golfer Tiger Woods and other athletes have already artificially enhanced their natural abilities with impunity with Lasik eye surgery, which greatly improves vision. More ominously, according to Wired magazine, the time will soon come when perfectly healthy baseball pitchers and other athletes choose a new surgery which can make an elbow even stronger than it naturally was. Other predicted enhancements include the removal, re-engineering, and re-insertion of leg, arm and shoulder muscle cells to add strength.(Source: News of the Weird)