Sideswipe

L-R: Darling Monkey, Albert Einstein action figure and Soul Aid bandages (see below)

Sideswipe will be skiving for the next two weeks but will generously provide a selection of the best and worst of Sideswipe from 2002-2004 for your reading pleasure. Merry Christmas.

Strange gift corner

Darling Monkey: "Almost human with its warm eyes, your family will love it. These monkeys grow about 12 inches [30cm]. Eats the same food as you and even likes lollipops." ( From a 1970s comic book ad.) 

Soul Aid: "Now that's what I call flesh-coloured. Soul Aids are a new high-quality adhesive bandage in a rich natural brown tone priced competitively with the pink ones." (From 1980s Ebony magazine)

Watch out, Barbie: An egghead doll that's dressed for intense classroom action. "This Albert Einstein Action Figure stands with a piece of chalk in his hand, poised to explain. relativity or do battle with the forces of entropy." (Source: Think Geek).

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The question:

Kia ora from sunny New Zealand! Okay, I know our weather has been unseasonably awful of late (rain, cold temperatures, etc) but come on, guys, we're in the Southern Hemisphere. It's summertime down here. Polar bears throwing snowballs are all well and good but couldn't we have a couple of penguins (at least) perhaps lying on the beach?

Yours, meteorologically, Paul.

The Response

Hi Paul, Thank you for your note. We enjoy celebrating holidays at Google, and we regret any offence this logo may have caused. We hope to communicate a feeling of joyousness to all of our users, regardless of their country, weather patterns, or specific beliefs. We're committed to celebrating the diversity of our users worldwide and will keep your honest and thoughtful feedback in mind.

Regards, The Google Team.

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Rocket Man was in orbit

"When I fly over the snow-covered Alps, all I think about is the 'snow' that I once took," Elton John told a German magazine. "Snow" is a reference to cocaine, of course, a powder the singer was addicted to for many years. "Somebody once calculated that I spent $70 million every 20 months in the '80s." (Source: Ananova)

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Posh and Becks' surprise sprung

The notoriously publicity-shy Beckhams, who would never use their children in a photo op, are, according to popbitch.com, invoking the EU Human Rights Act, section 8, to take legal action against a paparazzo's aerial shots of the kids' new playground ... as it spoiled the boys' Christmas surprise.

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Rosemary Shaw from Hamilton writes: "After visiting Christmas lights at Templeview Hamilton, we were on our way home and I said I enjoyed the carol singers. To which 4-year-old Alexia Rose asked: "Are all their names Carol?"

A reader took his youngest child to a restaurant for lunch to mark her last day at primary school. The 11-year-old, a passionate animal-lover, stunned her dad with the declaration that she wished she were blind. "Why on Earth would you want that?" asked her father. "Because then you would have to let me have a dog for Christmas," came the reply.

To my friends Tyler, Jasper E, Sarah and Jasper R. Thanks for coming to play at my house with Scarlett, Layla and me. Mum says she hopes I didn't give you chicken pox for Christmas. From Corbin. Ho, ho, ho.

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Future imperfect

The Dr Who Annual from 1974 ran a story called A Space Age Christmas and had a go at trying to predict what Christmas in 2003 would be like:

1. Christmas cooking by computer

For instance, it might well be that everyone's Christmas dinner will be cooked with the help of a home computer. This will be good news for the housewife - all she will have to do will be to set the dials and sit back until the meal is cooked. The heat could be microwave, as is used in some restaurants today, or it might be the new "cold heat", which uses infra-red rays, radiating from a series of tubes. This "cold heat", which is called "cold" because it does not glow red or appear to be hot at all when you look at it, will be used for grilling.

2. A plastic pine

The traditional decorated tree is very unlikely to be a real tree, but will probably be a plastic one. But to make it seem like the traditional Christmas festival, the plastic tree will probably be impregnated with the smell of pine. Because of pollution there will probably be very few trees left in the world, and any forests which do still exist will be protected by stringent laws.

3. Cards

Christmas cards might well be a thing of the past by 2003. Already people can speak on the telephone to friends and relations thousands of miles away, and by 2003 you might even be able to see the person you are talking to, if the videophone comes into common use. Christmas messages might possibly also be sent on recording tape, and as this could well be the thickness of a human hair, such a tape would fit neatly into a small envelope.

4. Presents

There are two theories about the kind of Christmas presents you might expect in 2003, and no one can say exactly which of them is correct. Because of the incredible advances in automation, machines might well be doing most of the work in our factories and offices, and so everyone might have much more leisure time. Many people believe that this will lead to a revival of handicrafts of all kinds, both because everyone will have more time for the craftsmanship involved and also because of the sheer unattractiveness of many mass-produced goods. The opposing theory argues that these handicrafts are being widely forgotten and interest in handicrafts might eventually die completely. If that happens, your 2003 Christmas present is more likely to be something like a miniature pocket computer, or maybe a ticket for a day-trip in orbit round the Earth!

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Interactive gore

According to a list compiled just in time for Christmas by a coalition of parent, church and women's groups in the US, the 10 most violent video-games are, alphabetically:

Doom 3 (Activision).
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (Rockstar Games).
Gunslinger Girls, Vol. 2 (Media Works).
Half-Life 2 (Sierra).
Halo 2 (Microsoft Game Studios).
Hitman: Blood Money (Eidos).
Manhunt (Rockstar Games).
Mortal Kombat: Deception (Midway).
Postal 2 (Whiptail Interactive).
Shadow Hearts (Midway).