Sideswipe

By removing this ad from Countdown Pt Chevalier, Sideswipe has more than likely saved "John" from a call from the boys and girls in blue.

When is a discount not really a discount? When it's a prompt payment discount from The Lines Company. In their latest newsletter the folk who look after the King Country power line network proudly proclaim: "From October 1, we will be offering a prompt payment discount of 10 per cent for all accounts paid by the due date ... " Excellent incentive, you think? But wait ... further down in the story it says: "To ensure providing the prompt payment discount is fiscally neutral for us, we will be raising our prices by 11 per cent overall from October 1. But provided you pay by the due date, you will be paying the same." Tut tut tut tut tut.

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Following yesterday's ludicrous exchange between a help desk and a luddite, here's a transcript that resulted in the firing of the tech support person:

Caller: I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

Operator: What sort of trouble?

Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Caller: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

Caller: How do I tell?

Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Caller: What's a sea-prompt?

Operator: Never mind. Can you move your cursor round the screen?

Caller: There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Caller: What's a monitor?

Operator: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

Caller: I don't know.

Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

Caller: Yes, I think so.

Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: Yes, it is.

Operator: Follow the cable for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

Caller: I can't reach.

Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Caller: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

Operator: Dark?

Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.

Caller: I can't.

Operator: No? Why not?

Caller: Because there's a power failure.

Operator: A power ... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Caller: Really? Is it that bad?

Operator: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Operator: Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer.